Aug 17, 2010
PANAJI: You have heard of women blackmailed by men seeking suicide as the way out. Here is a case of postmaster Prakash Gadgil, 54, who allegedly blackmailed by a young lady from rural Goa chose death over harassment and societal embarrassment.
Valpoi police have registered a case against beauticianRashiganda alias Rasika Shetye, 23, and said she may be arrested anytime. "Investigations are in progress and we have registered a case against Rasika for extortion and abetment to suicide," SDPO (Bicholim) Bousset D’Silva told TOI.
Police claim that investigations into Gadgil’s suicide revealed that he was being blackmailed by the lady and had deposited money into Shetye’s account. Police sources also said, "During interrogation Shetye said Gadgil was a good friend of hers and had gifted her the money. She also claimed that she was not blackmailing him." Police have, however, frozen Shetye’s bank accounts.
Gadgil hanged himself from the rafter of his bedroom roof with a nylon rope in his house in Dhavem on the intervening night of April 18 and 19, 2010. Police had initially registered a case of unnatural death after Gadgil’s brother reported the matter to the cops, and the autopsy revealed that Gadgil had died due to asphyxia as a result of hanging.
It was while police were searching his house that they found a note written in Marathi and left behind by Gadgil in which he explained the circumstances that forced him to end his life. In the note Gadgil alleged that a "close friend" of his, Rashiganda alias Rasika Shetye from Nanus in Valpoi, was blackmailing him with photographs she had stored on her cellphone and he couldn’t take it anymore. He also mentioned some phone numbers in the note and alleged that Shetye was asking him to pay her more money failing which she threatened to expose him. He also wrote that she had threatened to complain to the police that he had molested her, if he failed to pay the money.
"We are waiting for the report from the handwriting expert to confirm that the suicide note was really written by Gadgil," police sources said.
Gadgil further alleged that Sheyte was blackmailing him since November 2009 and had compelled him to withdraw about ` 1.5 lakh from his provident fund account to pay her for keeping quite. Gadgil had withdrawn the money from his account on December 12, 2009 and personally deposited it in Rasika’s account within two days.
"We have verified the deposit slip and preliminary investigations reveal that it is Gadgil’s writing. He had withdrawn ` 1.5 lakh from his provident fund account for house repairs and deposited the same in her saving bank account," police sources said. Police have sent the bank withdrawal slips for examination and verification of Gadgil’s signature.
Police said investigations revealed that Gadgil was a close friend of the accused and they had clicked photos together, with which the accused was blackmailing him. "The post office staff informed us that the accused would often visit Gadgil in the post office and they would spend hours together in the office," said police sources.
When police revealed the details of the probe to the family, shocked members were reluctant to lodge a complaint. Finally on June 9 this year Gadgil’s wife lodged a complaint against the woman who allegedly drove her husband to suicide.
Mr.Rebates
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Amend dowry law to stop its misuse, SC tells govt
What do you think the government is going to do, the Supreme Court told the government in 2005 to make amendments to 498a, it is going to be 2011 in four months time yet the government disobeys SC, yet the government expects the common man to obey all laws in the country. What an example for our great government to set?
Yet India calls herself the worlds largest Democracy, calling India a democracy is simply a mockery! The simple fact that the government has disobeyed the SC for so many years is testiment to this.
Aug 17, 2010
NEW DELHI: The Supreme Court has plainly told the government to take a relook at the anti-dowry law -- Section 498A of Indian Penal Code -- saying it has been misused by women to lodge false or exaggerated complaints against husbands and their relatives accusing them of cruel behaviour.
Such is the level of exaggeration of cruel behaviour on the part of husbands and their relatives that "to find out the truth is a Herculean task in a majority of these complaints", said a bench comprising Justices Dalveer Bhandari and K S Radhakrishnan.
Expressing concern at the rise in number of complaints under Section 498A, the Bench said, "We come across a large number of such complaints which are not even bona fide and are filed with oblique motives."
Advising extreme caution in dealing with such complaints, the bench said courts must take pragmatic realities into consideration while dealing with matrimonial cases.
It was high time that the legislature considered and made suitable changes in the law taking into account public opinion, the apex court said, sending a copy of the judgment to the Union law minister to initiate the process.
"At times, even after conclusion of criminal trial, it is difficult to ascertain the truth," it said and gave examples of cases where the woman in her complaint had roped in the husband's relatives, who lived in different cities and rarely visited them, of cruel behaviour towards her.
Such accusations invariably led to the husband and his relatives remaining in jail for a few days, breeding rancour, acrimony and bitterness and ruining all chances of an amicable settlement, said Justice Bhandari, writing the judgment for the bench.
The significance of the court's directive goes beyond what happens to Section 498A. It marks a conceptual shift, a turn away from the culture where women were seen only as victims who were incapable of levelling false allegations. The conception of women as the silent suffering sort who could do no wrong has influenced the administration of justice in both open and subtle ways. The assumption of women's innocence is apparent in laws devised to deal with rape and other crimes against women where the presumption of innocence is not available to the accused.
Section 498A and other laws were meant to level the field which has traditionally been tilted in favour of men, and were meant to help women get their due. But with instances of their misuse rising, the apex court has been impelled to draw the government's attention to revisit the issue.
"It is also a matter of common knowledge that exaggerated versions of incidents are reflected in a large number of complaints. The tendency of over implication is also reflected in a very large number of cases," he said.
"Criminal trials lead to immense suffering for all concerned. Even ultimate acquittal in the trial may not be able to wipe out the deep scars of ignominy," the bench said.
Yet India calls herself the worlds largest Democracy, calling India a democracy is simply a mockery! The simple fact that the government has disobeyed the SC for so many years is testiment to this.
Aug 17, 2010
NEW DELHI: The Supreme Court has plainly told the government to take a relook at the anti-dowry law -- Section 498A of Indian Penal Code -- saying it has been misused by women to lodge false or exaggerated complaints against husbands and their relatives accusing them of cruel behaviour.
Such is the level of exaggeration of cruel behaviour on the part of husbands and their relatives that "to find out the truth is a Herculean task in a majority of these complaints", said a bench comprising Justices Dalveer Bhandari and K S Radhakrishnan.
Expressing concern at the rise in number of complaints under Section 498A, the Bench said, "We come across a large number of such complaints which are not even bona fide and are filed with oblique motives."
Advising extreme caution in dealing with such complaints, the bench said courts must take pragmatic realities into consideration while dealing with matrimonial cases.
It was high time that the legislature considered and made suitable changes in the law taking into account public opinion, the apex court said, sending a copy of the judgment to the Union law minister to initiate the process.
"At times, even after conclusion of criminal trial, it is difficult to ascertain the truth," it said and gave examples of cases where the woman in her complaint had roped in the husband's relatives, who lived in different cities and rarely visited them, of cruel behaviour towards her.
Such accusations invariably led to the husband and his relatives remaining in jail for a few days, breeding rancour, acrimony and bitterness and ruining all chances of an amicable settlement, said Justice Bhandari, writing the judgment for the bench.
The significance of the court's directive goes beyond what happens to Section 498A. It marks a conceptual shift, a turn away from the culture where women were seen only as victims who were incapable of levelling false allegations. The conception of women as the silent suffering sort who could do no wrong has influenced the administration of justice in both open and subtle ways. The assumption of women's innocence is apparent in laws devised to deal with rape and other crimes against women where the presumption of innocence is not available to the accused.
Section 498A and other laws were meant to level the field which has traditionally been tilted in favour of men, and were meant to help women get their due. But with instances of their misuse rising, the apex court has been impelled to draw the government's attention to revisit the issue.
"It is also a matter of common knowledge that exaggerated versions of incidents are reflected in a large number of complaints. The tendency of over implication is also reflected in a very large number of cases," he said.
"Criminal trials lead to immense suffering for all concerned. Even ultimate acquittal in the trial may not be able to wipe out the deep scars of ignominy," the bench said.
498a The quash petition
Here is an example of an actual 498a quash petition.
MEMORANDUM OF CRIMINAL PETITION
(Under Section 482 Of Cr.P.C)
IN THE HIGH COURT OF JUDICATURE OF ANDHRA PRADESH, AT
HYDERABAD
Crl.P. No. of 2006
Between:
Challa Uma Gayathri W/o (name removed)
Age: 29 years, Occ: Student
(address removed)
Petitioner
And
State of Andhra Pradesh
Represented through Public Prosecutor,
AP High Court, Hyderabad .. Respondent /Complainant
The address for service of all notices, processes etc., on the above named Petitioner is that of her counsel (name removed), Advocate, (address removed).
The above named Petitioner begs to present this Memorandum of Criminal Petition to this Hon’ble Court to quash the Proceedings in Crime No. 1125 of 2005 dated 28.12.2005 of Saroornagar Police Station, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy district.
The Petitioner submits that she was falsely implicated in the above criminal case based on the complaint made by her brother’s wife Mrs. P.Malathi and registered in the above crime No.1125/2005 under Sec. 498A IPC.
The petitioner respectfully submits that the Proceedings in the above Crime cannot be permitted to be continued and have to be quashed in limine for the following amongst other-,
-:Grounds:-
1. The Petitioner submits that the present complaint is a clear case of abuse of the process of court and not in the interests of securing justice;
2. The Petitioner submits that the complaint is filed by the said Malathi on frivolous grounds and with all false allegations.
3. The Petitioner submits that the complaint requires the police to ensure that the Accused do not escape from India and not to punish them;
4. The Petitioner submits that the allegations are totally bald and not referring to any specific date or event;
5. The Petitioner submits that it is the case of the complainant that the family members of the complainant contacted the Accused and their replies were harsh, and not the defacto complainant herself, whereas the provisions of Sec.498A IPC requires that the defacto complainant ought to have been subjected to cruelty.
498-A. Husband or relative of husband of a woman subjecting her to cruelty:- Whoever, being the husband or the relative of the husband of a woman, subjects such woman to cruelty shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three years and shall also be liable to fine.
Explanation:- For the purposes of this section, “cruelty” means:-
any wilful conduct which is of such a nature as is likely to drive the woman to commit suicide or to cause grave injury or danger to life, limb or health (whether mental or physical) of the woman; or harassment of the woman where such harassment is with a view to coercing her or any person related to her to meet any unlawful demand for any property or valuable security or is on account of failure by her or any person related to her to meet such demand
6. The Petitioner submits that the acts stated to have been committed by the Accused does not fit into the definitions of cruelty as explained in Sec.498A IPC that is the alleged acts against accused not constituting alleged offences for want of satisfying ingredients of offences and hence continuance of the said complainant is an abuse of process of law;
7. The Petitioner submits that no allegations much less of specific nature to remotely connect accused with alleged offence. The Accused also shown to have went back to USA after a brief stay of just 10 days immediately after marriage and that there is no complaint of any harassment during this short stint of stay either;
8. The Petitioner submits that the act of cruelty, if it really exists, is said to be performed against the relatives of the defacto complainant in the USA and outside the territory of India and as such the provisions of Sec.498A IPC cannot be attracted;
9. The Petitioner submits that the allegations made in the FIR or complaint, even if they are taken at their face value and accepted in its entirely do not prima facie constitute any offence or make out a case against the accused.
10. The Petitioner submits that the uncontroverted allegations made in the FIR or complaint do not disclose the commission of any offence and make out a case against the accused,
11. The Petitioner submits when the complaint is read in totality there is no complaint against the petitioner herein and no punishment is sought against her;
12. Any other ground that may be urged at the time of hearing;
The Petitioner humbly submits that for what is stated above, the petitioner is not liable for the prosecution under Sec. 498A IPC, and hence the complaint is false, misconceived and the impugned proceedings amount to a clear will to harass the petitioner. There is no prima facie case is made out disclosing the alleged offence, and that there are no bonafides to file the above complaint and hence liable to be quashed. Unless appropriate orders are granted, the Petitioner will be put to grave prejudice and irreparable loss.
It is therefore necessary in the interests of justice that this Hon’ble Court is pleased to quash the Proceedings in Crime No. 1125 of 2005 registered at PS Saroornagar, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy District against the Petitioner and grant such other relief or reliefs as this Hon’ble Court may deem fit and proper in the circumstances of the case.
It is also necessary in the interests of justice that this Hon’ble Court is pleased to grant stay of further proceedings in the Crime No. 1125 of 2005 registered at PS Saroornagar, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy District including personal appearance pending disposal of the above Crl.P. and grant such other relief or reliefs as this Hon’ble Court may deem fit and proper in the circumstances of the case.
Hyderabad,
Date: Counsel for the Petitioner
MEMORANDUM OF CRIMINAL PETITION
(Under Section 482 Of Cr.P.C)
IN THE HIGH COURT OF JUDICATURE OF ANDHRA PRADESH, AT
HYDERABAD
Crl.P. No. of 2006
Between:
Challa Uma Gayathri W/o (name removed)
Age: 29 years, Occ: Student
(address removed)
Petitioner
And
State of Andhra Pradesh
Represented through Public Prosecutor,
AP High Court, Hyderabad .. Respondent /Complainant
The address for service of all notices, processes etc., on the above named Petitioner is that of her counsel (name removed), Advocate, (address removed).
The above named Petitioner begs to present this Memorandum of Criminal Petition to this Hon’ble Court to quash the Proceedings in Crime No. 1125 of 2005 dated 28.12.2005 of Saroornagar Police Station, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy district.
The Petitioner submits that she was falsely implicated in the above criminal case based on the complaint made by her brother’s wife Mrs. P.Malathi and registered in the above crime No.1125/2005 under Sec. 498A IPC.
The petitioner respectfully submits that the Proceedings in the above Crime cannot be permitted to be continued and have to be quashed in limine for the following amongst other-,
-:Grounds:-
1. The Petitioner submits that the present complaint is a clear case of abuse of the process of court and not in the interests of securing justice;
2. The Petitioner submits that the complaint is filed by the said Malathi on frivolous grounds and with all false allegations.
3. The Petitioner submits that the complaint requires the police to ensure that the Accused do not escape from India and not to punish them;
4. The Petitioner submits that the allegations are totally bald and not referring to any specific date or event;
5. The Petitioner submits that it is the case of the complainant that the family members of the complainant contacted the Accused and their replies were harsh, and not the defacto complainant herself, whereas the provisions of Sec.498A IPC requires that the defacto complainant ought to have been subjected to cruelty.
498-A. Husband or relative of husband of a woman subjecting her to cruelty:- Whoever, being the husband or the relative of the husband of a woman, subjects such woman to cruelty shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three years and shall also be liable to fine.
Explanation:- For the purposes of this section, “cruelty” means:-
any wilful conduct which is of such a nature as is likely to drive the woman to commit suicide or to cause grave injury or danger to life, limb or health (whether mental or physical) of the woman; or harassment of the woman where such harassment is with a view to coercing her or any person related to her to meet any unlawful demand for any property or valuable security or is on account of failure by her or any person related to her to meet such demand
6. The Petitioner submits that the acts stated to have been committed by the Accused does not fit into the definitions of cruelty as explained in Sec.498A IPC that is the alleged acts against accused not constituting alleged offences for want of satisfying ingredients of offences and hence continuance of the said complainant is an abuse of process of law;
7. The Petitioner submits that no allegations much less of specific nature to remotely connect accused with alleged offence. The Accused also shown to have went back to USA after a brief stay of just 10 days immediately after marriage and that there is no complaint of any harassment during this short stint of stay either;
8. The Petitioner submits that the act of cruelty, if it really exists, is said to be performed against the relatives of the defacto complainant in the USA and outside the territory of India and as such the provisions of Sec.498A IPC cannot be attracted;
9. The Petitioner submits that the allegations made in the FIR or complaint, even if they are taken at their face value and accepted in its entirely do not prima facie constitute any offence or make out a case against the accused.
10. The Petitioner submits that the uncontroverted allegations made in the FIR or complaint do not disclose the commission of any offence and make out a case against the accused,
11. The Petitioner submits when the complaint is read in totality there is no complaint against the petitioner herein and no punishment is sought against her;
12. Any other ground that may be urged at the time of hearing;
The Petitioner humbly submits that for what is stated above, the petitioner is not liable for the prosecution under Sec. 498A IPC, and hence the complaint is false, misconceived and the impugned proceedings amount to a clear will to harass the petitioner. There is no prima facie case is made out disclosing the alleged offence, and that there are no bonafides to file the above complaint and hence liable to be quashed. Unless appropriate orders are granted, the Petitioner will be put to grave prejudice and irreparable loss.
It is therefore necessary in the interests of justice that this Hon’ble Court is pleased to quash the Proceedings in Crime No. 1125 of 2005 registered at PS Saroornagar, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy District against the Petitioner and grant such other relief or reliefs as this Hon’ble Court may deem fit and proper in the circumstances of the case.
It is also necessary in the interests of justice that this Hon’ble Court is pleased to grant stay of further proceedings in the Crime No. 1125 of 2005 registered at PS Saroornagar, Hyderabad Ranga Reddy District including personal appearance pending disposal of the above Crl.P. and grant such other relief or reliefs as this Hon’ble Court may deem fit and proper in the circumstances of the case.
Hyderabad,
Date: Counsel for the Petitioner
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Video: Breaking Up with an Emotionally Abusive Woman and Suicide Threats
Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder women rarely make it easy to end a relationship with them. Once you finally decide you can no longer take the emotional abuse, the threats, accusations, outrageous demands, bullying, projection, projective identification and gaslighting, you probably feel a sense of relief. Then the maw of hell opens and the BPD/NPD woman ratchets her nasty behaviors a thousandfold.
Typical behaviors include: distortion/smear campaigns (lying to your friends, family and anyone who’ll listen in order to turn them against you); parental alienation (turning your children against you by badmouthing you, lying about you and putting you into no-win situations); and projection (blaming you for the rotten abusive acts that she is committing—for example, she engages in parental alienation and then accuses you of taking your anger out on the children).
Facing these threatening behaviors can be terrifying, which makes it all the more difficult to end the relationship. These women become unpredictable, wild animals when they sense they’re losing control. They don’t care about the collateral damage they inflict. They’ll bring the house down right on top of themselves if they think it will punish you.
I received an email request for advice from one of my readers, “Mike,” about breaking up with his BPD/NPD ex, “Susan.” He shared a rather lengthy email exchange between them, which I condensed into an Xtranormal video (with Mike’s permission). Here’s an excerpt from his email:
I guess my question is, “Where do I go from here?” I posted some of my experiences (under the name, fromCOtoAZ) previously on your blog. Your advice was very helpful and completely correct. Unfortunately, I didn’t adhere to your advice and got sucked back in. My ex promised she was seeing a therapist and that things would change. She finally admitted her words are hurtful and cause a lot of damage. I gave her one more chance to see if things really would change or if it was just window dressing.
Things were fine the first month, then they shot straight back to what they were by the second month. She has no problem throwing anyone under the bus if you try to hold her accountable. She blames others for her problems, even her kids. While we were together, I offered to buy her a car since she totaled her previous one in an accident. Even though I can’t afford it, I was willing to do it for her and her kids. Long story short, she blows up at me. Most girls would say, “thank you, what a guy.” Not her. She HAS to find something wrong with the offer, some reason to be offended, some reason to be completely negative and angry.
The profanity comes in waves, degrading words spew like bile, and it happens every time. It’s always someone else’s fault. So I finally had enough – again – and broke up with her. Now she’s playing the victim and it’s all my fault in her eyes. Here’s the dialog we had tonight. It’s a great example of how our “discussions” (my attempt) turn into fights (her attempt).
Video
So here is my question to you: My nephew got into a fight with his girlfriend and hung himself when he was 21. I also made a very poor decision earlier in my life and considered suicide. Trust me. She knows suicide is very personal to me. I’m not asking you to have a crystal ball, but I’m scared that she’s serious. Then again, and I don’t mean to sound like a callous jerk, she could simply be playing that card because she knows it’s the ONE thing that will get my attention over anything else. So where do I go from here?
I can’t stay with her just because she threatens to kill herself. She’ll never stop being abusive and demoralizing and yet I don’t want to have that on my conscience if she does it. When I had ny own brush with suicide years ago, it was my decision, poor as it was, and I accept full responsibility. She would never see it as her choice. It would all be my fault. What should I do? This girl (“girl” -she’s actually a 43-year old woman with 3 children!) scares me in so many ways, but this is the scariest.
Hi Mike,
My head felt like it was going to explode while reading your email exchange with Susan. Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin…
1. Your first mistake was going back into the rabid lioness’ den (i.e., reuniting). It happens though. You wanted to give it one more college try. I understand. You stuck your hand into the fire again and got burned. This is a valuable lesson. Remember it.
2. Your second mistake was offering to remain friends with this woman. You cannot, not, NOT remain “friends” with these women. If you don’t share a child, the healthiest thing is a clean break (or as clean as you can get with a woman like this), which means no contact.
First, this woman is not your friend. A friend doesn’t abuse you. Second, as one of my other readers so eloquently stated, “As adult as you may think you are being by developing a “friendship”, this is not a normal adult relationship and you need to end the behavior patterns in order to move on. If children are involved, communicate by email with very direct, but not curt communications. Do not initiate or engage in any dramatic episodes even on email – Kind, Direct, Simple, the end.”
3. You’re using too many words with her (Mike’s email responses to Susan were very long). These women don’t process dialog/conversation like the rest of us. Crafting long, factual explanations–especially ones that don’t fit with their distorted version of events–are completely lost on them. Even if it seems like she’s reading or listening, she’s just scanning for specific hot-button code words that she can twist around, distort, and blow completely out of proportion in order to use your words against you. These women should become professional taffy pullers. Their ability to distort facts so that they fall in line with their distorted emotional reasoning is unparalleled.
4. Never agree with these women’s insults and name-calling. Appeasing these women by agreeing with them in order to get them to stop the verbal abuse (i.e., shut up) is usually a bad idea. They take it as a green light to keep going and that their behavior is acceptable. You can’t humor these women. It only amps them up.
5. When they invoke the authority of a therapist, attorney or some other professional it means they’re getting desperate. It’s like saying, “I told mommy/daddy/teacher on you and boy are you in trouble now!” It’s a control/manipulation/shame/fear tactic. No competent therapist would encourage a patient to emotionally blackmail a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, ex or family member by threatening suicide.
In fact, Psychologists adhere to the Tarasoff vs. the Regents of the University of California ruling, which means they have a duty to protect their patients from harming themselves or others. This includes breaking confidentiality by contacting the authorities or having them voluntarily/involuntarily hospitalized if the Psychologist decides the patient has intent, the means and a plan to kill herself.
I highly doubt she even showed your emails to her therapist. Then again, perhaps she did and that’s why Bonnie is recommending inpatient treatment. Furthermore, just like NPD/BPD women twist around things that you say and do; they also twist what their therapists say if it helps them to control and abuse others. Additionally, if Bonnie criticized you it’s probably because your ex has given her a highly distorted account of your relationship.
6. You are NOT responsible if this woman takes her life. Period. This is classic emotional blackmail. Don’t bite on it. If you’re really worried about her, call or email her therapist and let her decide if Susan needs to be pink papered. Forward Susan’s emails to her therapist. State you understand she can’t discuss or even acknowledge that she’s treating Susan, but you’re worried that she may harm herself and her children by exposing them to her parasuicidal threats and possible gestures. Mention your experience with your nephew and that’s why you feel obligated to notify her. And truly, Mike, that’s all you’re obligated to do.
I apologize if my feedback comes across as harsh, but for goodness sake, I feel violated reading her attacks on you secondhand. Do you have a therapist or someone who can help you set and maintain your boundaries and figure out what attracted you to Susan and what makes you susceptible to women like her? If not, I strongly encourage you to focus on that instead of being friends with Susan or having anything else to do with her.
Typical behaviors include: distortion/smear campaigns (lying to your friends, family and anyone who’ll listen in order to turn them against you); parental alienation (turning your children against you by badmouthing you, lying about you and putting you into no-win situations); and projection (blaming you for the rotten abusive acts that she is committing—for example, she engages in parental alienation and then accuses you of taking your anger out on the children).
Facing these threatening behaviors can be terrifying, which makes it all the more difficult to end the relationship. These women become unpredictable, wild animals when they sense they’re losing control. They don’t care about the collateral damage they inflict. They’ll bring the house down right on top of themselves if they think it will punish you.
I received an email request for advice from one of my readers, “Mike,” about breaking up with his BPD/NPD ex, “Susan.” He shared a rather lengthy email exchange between them, which I condensed into an Xtranormal video (with Mike’s permission). Here’s an excerpt from his email:
I guess my question is, “Where do I go from here?” I posted some of my experiences (under the name, fromCOtoAZ) previously on your blog. Your advice was very helpful and completely correct. Unfortunately, I didn’t adhere to your advice and got sucked back in. My ex promised she was seeing a therapist and that things would change. She finally admitted her words are hurtful and cause a lot of damage. I gave her one more chance to see if things really would change or if it was just window dressing.
Things were fine the first month, then they shot straight back to what they were by the second month. She has no problem throwing anyone under the bus if you try to hold her accountable. She blames others for her problems, even her kids. While we were together, I offered to buy her a car since she totaled her previous one in an accident. Even though I can’t afford it, I was willing to do it for her and her kids. Long story short, she blows up at me. Most girls would say, “thank you, what a guy.” Not her. She HAS to find something wrong with the offer, some reason to be offended, some reason to be completely negative and angry.
The profanity comes in waves, degrading words spew like bile, and it happens every time. It’s always someone else’s fault. So I finally had enough – again – and broke up with her. Now she’s playing the victim and it’s all my fault in her eyes. Here’s the dialog we had tonight. It’s a great example of how our “discussions” (my attempt) turn into fights (her attempt).
Video
So here is my question to you: My nephew got into a fight with his girlfriend and hung himself when he was 21. I also made a very poor decision earlier in my life and considered suicide. Trust me. She knows suicide is very personal to me. I’m not asking you to have a crystal ball, but I’m scared that she’s serious. Then again, and I don’t mean to sound like a callous jerk, she could simply be playing that card because she knows it’s the ONE thing that will get my attention over anything else. So where do I go from here?
I can’t stay with her just because she threatens to kill herself. She’ll never stop being abusive and demoralizing and yet I don’t want to have that on my conscience if she does it. When I had ny own brush with suicide years ago, it was my decision, poor as it was, and I accept full responsibility. She would never see it as her choice. It would all be my fault. What should I do? This girl (“girl” -she’s actually a 43-year old woman with 3 children!) scares me in so many ways, but this is the scariest.
Hi Mike,
My head felt like it was going to explode while reading your email exchange with Susan. Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin…
1. Your first mistake was going back into the rabid lioness’ den (i.e., reuniting). It happens though. You wanted to give it one more college try. I understand. You stuck your hand into the fire again and got burned. This is a valuable lesson. Remember it.
2. Your second mistake was offering to remain friends with this woman. You cannot, not, NOT remain “friends” with these women. If you don’t share a child, the healthiest thing is a clean break (or as clean as you can get with a woman like this), which means no contact.
First, this woman is not your friend. A friend doesn’t abuse you. Second, as one of my other readers so eloquently stated, “As adult as you may think you are being by developing a “friendship”, this is not a normal adult relationship and you need to end the behavior patterns in order to move on. If children are involved, communicate by email with very direct, but not curt communications. Do not initiate or engage in any dramatic episodes even on email – Kind, Direct, Simple, the end.”
3. You’re using too many words with her (Mike’s email responses to Susan were very long). These women don’t process dialog/conversation like the rest of us. Crafting long, factual explanations–especially ones that don’t fit with their distorted version of events–are completely lost on them. Even if it seems like she’s reading or listening, she’s just scanning for specific hot-button code words that she can twist around, distort, and blow completely out of proportion in order to use your words against you. These women should become professional taffy pullers. Their ability to distort facts so that they fall in line with their distorted emotional reasoning is unparalleled.
4. Never agree with these women’s insults and name-calling. Appeasing these women by agreeing with them in order to get them to stop the verbal abuse (i.e., shut up) is usually a bad idea. They take it as a green light to keep going and that their behavior is acceptable. You can’t humor these women. It only amps them up.
5. When they invoke the authority of a therapist, attorney or some other professional it means they’re getting desperate. It’s like saying, “I told mommy/daddy/teacher on you and boy are you in trouble now!” It’s a control/manipulation/shame/fear tactic. No competent therapist would encourage a patient to emotionally blackmail a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, ex or family member by threatening suicide.
In fact, Psychologists adhere to the Tarasoff vs. the Regents of the University of California ruling, which means they have a duty to protect their patients from harming themselves or others. This includes breaking confidentiality by contacting the authorities or having them voluntarily/involuntarily hospitalized if the Psychologist decides the patient has intent, the means and a plan to kill herself.
I highly doubt she even showed your emails to her therapist. Then again, perhaps she did and that’s why Bonnie is recommending inpatient treatment. Furthermore, just like NPD/BPD women twist around things that you say and do; they also twist what their therapists say if it helps them to control and abuse others. Additionally, if Bonnie criticized you it’s probably because your ex has given her a highly distorted account of your relationship.
6. You are NOT responsible if this woman takes her life. Period. This is classic emotional blackmail. Don’t bite on it. If you’re really worried about her, call or email her therapist and let her decide if Susan needs to be pink papered. Forward Susan’s emails to her therapist. State you understand she can’t discuss or even acknowledge that she’s treating Susan, but you’re worried that she may harm herself and her children by exposing them to her parasuicidal threats and possible gestures. Mention your experience with your nephew and that’s why you feel obligated to notify her. And truly, Mike, that’s all you’re obligated to do.
I apologize if my feedback comes across as harsh, but for goodness sake, I feel violated reading her attacks on you secondhand. Do you have a therapist or someone who can help you set and maintain your boundaries and figure out what attracted you to Susan and what makes you susceptible to women like her? If not, I strongly encourage you to focus on that instead of being friends with Susan or having anything else to do with her.
Abusive Women, Cults, Brainwashing and Deprogramming, Part II
In Abusive Women, Cults, Braiwashing and Deprogramming, Part I, I discussed the shared characteristics of cult victims and abused men and the similarities between abusive women’s courtship behaviors and cult recruitment. This post explains common techniques cults and emotional predators use to break you down and control you.
Techniques Used by Cults and Abusive Women
1. Isolation. Emotional predators and cult recruiters isolate you from the outside world. They make you totally dependent upon them, which makes you more susceptible to their distorted reality and other abusive behaviors. They “cut [you] off from the outside world. . . to produce intense introspection, confusion, loss of perspective and a distorted sense of reality. The members of the cult become the person’s only social contact and feedback mechanism” (Layton). Sound familiar?
Abusive intimate partners isolate you in a multitude of ways. For example, they explicitly forbid you from seeing or speaking with your friends and family. They start smear campaigns against them—”Your family is so controlling. They’re dysfunctional. It’s unhealthy for us to be around them. Your friends are a bad influence. They’re disrespectful to me. It’s me or them.” They schedule activities or plan crises that conflict with holidays or special occasions—e.g., she gets a migraine when you’re supposed to have dinner with your parents or desperately needs your help when you’re supposed to go out with your friends. Spending time with friends and family means you don’t really care about her, don’t respect her, she’s not important to you, you’re a momma’s boy, you’re an immature jerk, blah, blah, blah, blah and blah.
2. Thought Stopping. Cults use methods like chanting, meditating and repetitive activities to induce a state of suggestibility and to help the target shut off their ability to engage in critical thinking. Abusive women use non-stop talking, verbal tirades, rage episodes and withdrawing in cold silence which causes you to obsessively ruminate about what you did to upset her rather than wondering what in the hell is wrong with her. Thought stopping techniques include anything that gets you to turn off your better judgment, reasoning and any counter narratives such as, “This is nuts and I need to get out of here.”
3. Induced Dependency. “Cults demand absolute, unquestioning devotion, loyalty and submission. A cult member’s sense of self is systematically destroyed. Ultimately, feelings of worthlessness and “evil” become associated with independence and critical thinking, and feelings of warmth and love become associated with unquestioning submission” (Layton). The same is true of abusive relationships. Taking care of yourself and healthy pursuits are seen as a betrayal to her. Love means control.
Inducing dependency employs several techniques including:
a. Fear and Guilt. This involves sharing secrets, fears and other intimate “confessions.” Abusers use this information to create instant intimacy and to keep their targets in an emotionally vulnerable state by using covert and overt threats and alternating punishment and reward. She accomplishes this by:
Punishing you for any doubts, challenges to her “authority” and your ties to friends, family and colleagues through criticism and alienation. They are bad and you are bad if you continue these associations. You are bad if you question, challenge or disagree with her. She turns everything around so that you feel bad for speaking the truth and pointing out the facts of a situation. To quote a client’s wife, “The truth is mean. Facts are mean.” I kid you not. I heard the audio recording. You receive “love” or are “rewarded” (or aren’t actively abused) when you renounce your other relationships and your own will.
Making you feel bad, embarrassed, worthless, ashamed, guilty or afraid to express any special skills, talents or gifts you have. They’ll punish you for being creative, musical, outgoing, funny, business savvy, competent or any quality you possess that makes you feel good and that she envies. This causes identity confusion and diminishes your self-worth.
Alternating love and praise with contempt and punishment to keep you unbalanced and confused. This creates feelings of self-doubt and a desire to “work harder” to please her. It also makes you cling to belief that the kind and loving person is her real self and that the abusive behaviors are an aberration. In reality, the opposite is true.
Making you publicly confess your “sins.” This subjects you to public scorn and ridicule, which induces self-doubt, shame and a sense of worthlessness. You are loved again when you publicly commit to devoting yourself to her and her happiness. Several men have told me they were coerced into making public confessions about how they “wronged” or “sinned” against their girlfriend/wife via Facebook and other social media websites. It’s crazy. They did it in a vain attempt to finally prove how much they loved these women. If your partner tries to get you to publicly shame yourself, you need to end the relationship. This is beyond abusive. A person who really loves you protects you from public scorn; they don’t subject you to it.
Putting you in no-win situations. Creating double-binds to ensure that you fail. No matter what you do, you’re wrong. This creates a sense of learned helplessness and increases your dependency.
Punishing you for the sins of others. If your mother is disrespectful to her, it’s your fault. If the kids are misbehaving, it’s your fault. If one of the other school mothers snubs her, it’s your fault. If something doesn’t go her way it’s your fault. If anything goes wrong, it’s your fault.
Holding you to unrealistic and super-human expectations of perfection. This keeps you in a perpetual state of jumping through hoops in order to make yourself worthy of her. When in reality nothing you ever do will be good enough. You will never measure up.
b. Sensory Overload and Deprivation. She dismantles your self-perceptions, beliefs and values by telling you that you’re wrong, bad, sick, dysfunctional, angry, selfish or evil. She then feeds you her version of reality—how you should feel and how you should act “if you really love me…” or “a real man would…”—in a relentless torrent with little or no chance for critical examination. She accomplishes this by:
Making you account for every minute of your time and monopolizing your time You have no time to yourself or with others. If you’re not actively paying attention to her, you’re performing tasks for her. This leaves you little time to focus on yourself or to engage in effective reality testing.
Criticizing everything you do. This includes criticizing what you eat, how you eat, what you wear, how you talk, how you laugh, how you take care of the children, how you drive, how you do the dishes, how you fold the laundry, how much money you make, how undesirable you are, etc.
Stripping away your autonomy. She decides where you’ll go on vacation, how to discipline the children and how to spend the money you earn. When she gives you the illusion of choice, it’s usually a set-up for failure or disappointment. Alternatively, she doesn’t offer suggestions. When you ask for guidance, she makes you feel stupid for not intuitively knowing what she wants you to do.
Depriving you of sleep, sustenance and other basic physiological and safety needs. This includes sex, money, shelter, stability, material resources and emotional support. This keeps you destabilized and vulnerable.
Taking control of your finances including credit cards, bank accounts, stocks and other assets and making you account for every nickel you spend. Taking charge of the finances is another control technique. If she controls the cash or you’re worried about losing your assets, it makes it difficult for you to leave. If you try to hold her financially accountable, she accuses you of being controlling.
4. A Sense of Dread. Once dependency is induced, you develop a persistent sense of dread. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop and are hypervigiliant to triggering the displeasure or wrath of your “leader.” If you don’t keep her happy—an impossible task, by the way—she makes your life a living hell.
She rages at you, belittles you, denies you affection or ignores you as if you don’t exist. Because she’s isolated you, you may not feel like there’s anyone you can turn to for support. You probably believe no one else will ever love you and that you couldn’t live without her. You try to “act right” and learn how not to trigger her.
“Indoctrination, or thought reform, is a long process that never really ends. Members are continually subjected to these techniques. . . Some adjust well to it after a period of time, embracing their new role as “group member” and casting aside their old sense of independence. For others, it’s a perpetually stressful existence” (Layton). Many men become desensitized to the abusive behaviors and let the fear of real and imagined punishment keep them stuck. Breaking free of a cult or an abusive relationship can be difficult and often terrifying, but it must be done if you want a chance at health and happiness.
Next week, I’ll explore different ways to “break the spell” and free yourself abusive partner’s control. Meanwhile, I repeat, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.
Techniques Used by Cults and Abusive Women
1. Isolation. Emotional predators and cult recruiters isolate you from the outside world. They make you totally dependent upon them, which makes you more susceptible to their distorted reality and other abusive behaviors. They “cut [you] off from the outside world. . . to produce intense introspection, confusion, loss of perspective and a distorted sense of reality. The members of the cult become the person’s only social contact and feedback mechanism” (Layton). Sound familiar?
Abusive intimate partners isolate you in a multitude of ways. For example, they explicitly forbid you from seeing or speaking with your friends and family. They start smear campaigns against them—”Your family is so controlling. They’re dysfunctional. It’s unhealthy for us to be around them. Your friends are a bad influence. They’re disrespectful to me. It’s me or them.” They schedule activities or plan crises that conflict with holidays or special occasions—e.g., she gets a migraine when you’re supposed to have dinner with your parents or desperately needs your help when you’re supposed to go out with your friends. Spending time with friends and family means you don’t really care about her, don’t respect her, she’s not important to you, you’re a momma’s boy, you’re an immature jerk, blah, blah, blah, blah and blah.
2. Thought Stopping. Cults use methods like chanting, meditating and repetitive activities to induce a state of suggestibility and to help the target shut off their ability to engage in critical thinking. Abusive women use non-stop talking, verbal tirades, rage episodes and withdrawing in cold silence which causes you to obsessively ruminate about what you did to upset her rather than wondering what in the hell is wrong with her. Thought stopping techniques include anything that gets you to turn off your better judgment, reasoning and any counter narratives such as, “This is nuts and I need to get out of here.”
3. Induced Dependency. “Cults demand absolute, unquestioning devotion, loyalty and submission. A cult member’s sense of self is systematically destroyed. Ultimately, feelings of worthlessness and “evil” become associated with independence and critical thinking, and feelings of warmth and love become associated with unquestioning submission” (Layton). The same is true of abusive relationships. Taking care of yourself and healthy pursuits are seen as a betrayal to her. Love means control.
Inducing dependency employs several techniques including:
a. Fear and Guilt. This involves sharing secrets, fears and other intimate “confessions.” Abusers use this information to create instant intimacy and to keep their targets in an emotionally vulnerable state by using covert and overt threats and alternating punishment and reward. She accomplishes this by:
Punishing you for any doubts, challenges to her “authority” and your ties to friends, family and colleagues through criticism and alienation. They are bad and you are bad if you continue these associations. You are bad if you question, challenge or disagree with her. She turns everything around so that you feel bad for speaking the truth and pointing out the facts of a situation. To quote a client’s wife, “The truth is mean. Facts are mean.” I kid you not. I heard the audio recording. You receive “love” or are “rewarded” (or aren’t actively abused) when you renounce your other relationships and your own will.
Making you feel bad, embarrassed, worthless, ashamed, guilty or afraid to express any special skills, talents or gifts you have. They’ll punish you for being creative, musical, outgoing, funny, business savvy, competent or any quality you possess that makes you feel good and that she envies. This causes identity confusion and diminishes your self-worth.
Alternating love and praise with contempt and punishment to keep you unbalanced and confused. This creates feelings of self-doubt and a desire to “work harder” to please her. It also makes you cling to belief that the kind and loving person is her real self and that the abusive behaviors are an aberration. In reality, the opposite is true.
Making you publicly confess your “sins.” This subjects you to public scorn and ridicule, which induces self-doubt, shame and a sense of worthlessness. You are loved again when you publicly commit to devoting yourself to her and her happiness. Several men have told me they were coerced into making public confessions about how they “wronged” or “sinned” against their girlfriend/wife via Facebook and other social media websites. It’s crazy. They did it in a vain attempt to finally prove how much they loved these women. If your partner tries to get you to publicly shame yourself, you need to end the relationship. This is beyond abusive. A person who really loves you protects you from public scorn; they don’t subject you to it.
Putting you in no-win situations. Creating double-binds to ensure that you fail. No matter what you do, you’re wrong. This creates a sense of learned helplessness and increases your dependency.
Punishing you for the sins of others. If your mother is disrespectful to her, it’s your fault. If the kids are misbehaving, it’s your fault. If one of the other school mothers snubs her, it’s your fault. If something doesn’t go her way it’s your fault. If anything goes wrong, it’s your fault.
Holding you to unrealistic and super-human expectations of perfection. This keeps you in a perpetual state of jumping through hoops in order to make yourself worthy of her. When in reality nothing you ever do will be good enough. You will never measure up.
b. Sensory Overload and Deprivation. She dismantles your self-perceptions, beliefs and values by telling you that you’re wrong, bad, sick, dysfunctional, angry, selfish or evil. She then feeds you her version of reality—how you should feel and how you should act “if you really love me…” or “a real man would…”—in a relentless torrent with little or no chance for critical examination. She accomplishes this by:
Making you account for every minute of your time and monopolizing your time You have no time to yourself or with others. If you’re not actively paying attention to her, you’re performing tasks for her. This leaves you little time to focus on yourself or to engage in effective reality testing.
Criticizing everything you do. This includes criticizing what you eat, how you eat, what you wear, how you talk, how you laugh, how you take care of the children, how you drive, how you do the dishes, how you fold the laundry, how much money you make, how undesirable you are, etc.
Stripping away your autonomy. She decides where you’ll go on vacation, how to discipline the children and how to spend the money you earn. When she gives you the illusion of choice, it’s usually a set-up for failure or disappointment. Alternatively, she doesn’t offer suggestions. When you ask for guidance, she makes you feel stupid for not intuitively knowing what she wants you to do.
Taking control of your finances including credit cards, bank accounts, stocks and other assets and making you account for every nickel you spend. Taking charge of the finances is another control technique. If she controls the cash or you’re worried about losing your assets, it makes it difficult for you to leave. If you try to hold her financially accountable, she accuses you of being controlling.
4. A Sense of Dread. Once dependency is induced, you develop a persistent sense of dread. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop and are hypervigiliant to triggering the displeasure or wrath of your “leader.” If you don’t keep her happy—an impossible task, by the way—she makes your life a living hell.
She rages at you, belittles you, denies you affection or ignores you as if you don’t exist. Because she’s isolated you, you may not feel like there’s anyone you can turn to for support. You probably believe no one else will ever love you and that you couldn’t live without her. You try to “act right” and learn how not to trigger her.
“Indoctrination, or thought reform, is a long process that never really ends. Members are continually subjected to these techniques. . . Some adjust well to it after a period of time, embracing their new role as “group member” and casting aside their old sense of independence. For others, it’s a perpetually stressful existence” (Layton). Many men become desensitized to the abusive behaviors and let the fear of real and imagined punishment keep them stuck. Breaking free of a cult or an abusive relationship can be difficult and often terrifying, but it must be done if you want a chance at health and happiness.
Next week, I’ll explore different ways to “break the spell” and free yourself abusive partner’s control. Meanwhile, I repeat, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.
Abusive Women, Cults, Brainwashing and Deprogramming, Part I
The last article, How Abusive Women Brainwash You, examined similar brainwashing techniques used by cults, POW camps, political movements and abusive personalities such as narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic women. It also explored where and how they diverge. Specifically, cults break down your personality and belief system, then rebuild you and give you a new belief system. Whereas abusive women break you down and keep breaking you down until there’s nothing left. They don’t rebuild you nor do they have an ideology beyond, “It’s all about me and my feelings” and “I’m always right no matter how wrong I am.”
Over the next few weeks, I will publish a series of articles that will explore: a) the shared characteristics of cult victims and abused men; b) the similarities between abusive women’s courtship behaviors and cult recruitment; c) the way cults and emotional predators break you down and control you; and d) different ways to “break the spell” and come come out from under an abusive partner’s control.
Similarities Between Cult Victims and Abuse Victims
Bullies, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and sociopaths like easy targets. They go after people who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, self-reflective, competent, talented or “gifted” and, most importantly, people who have a desire to cooperate or work things out and a non-confrontational personal style (Namie, 2003). Cults like easy prey, too. They typically target individuals who are in a state of heightened stress.
They seek individuals who have recently had a destabilizing experience such as a bad break-up, the death of a loved one, being fired or some other significant life stressor such as a young man who’s left for college and is on his own for the first time. During a period of heightened stress certain people are more susceptible to an individual or group who claims to have all the answers and/or offers instant companionship or instant intimacy. Michael Langone, PhD has compiled a list of cult victim traits that are similar to the traits of abuse victims. The similar traits are:
Dependency. An intense desire for a sense of belonging, approval, acceptance and a fear of being alone.
Unassertiveness. Non-confrontational, people-pleasers who are reluctant to question authority.
Gullibility. A willingness to believe what another person says without critically thinking it through or challenging it.
Naive Idealism. The belief that everyone is good, has some redeeming quality or can change for the better.
Desire for Spiritual Meaning. The belief that life has a “higher purpose” or that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people are just abusive jerks and there’s no deeper meaning attached to it, but good targets keep searching for it despite all evidence to the contrary.
The above personality traits and a state of heightened stress aren’t sufficient to brainwash a potential victim. A conscious knowledge or instinctual knowledge of mind control techniques is also required. Margaret Singer, PhD cites 6 conditions necessary for brainwashing or thought reform. Many cult leaders study these principles and know exactly what they’re doing. Most abusive women have not studied these techniques. They seem to have an instinctual knowledge of them. [Please note: If they are aware of what they're doing it's highly likely that they're full blown sociopaths and you should regard them as dangerous.] Singer’s 6 conditions for thought reform:
1. “Keep the person unaware of what is going on and how he is being changed one step at a time.” Not a problem since most abusive women are only vaguely aware of what they’re doing or completely unaware.
2. “Control the person’s social and/or physical environment; especially control the person’s time.” She doesn’t want you talking to outsiders who might challenge the “reality” she feeds you or her authority.
3. “Systematically create a sense of powerlessness in the person.” She instills a sense of learned helplessness within you by placing you in no-win situations.
4. Manipulate a system of rewards and punishments in order to inhibit the person’s natural personality and behavior. The goal is to break you down and turn you into a handpuppet.
5. Manipulate a system of rewards and punishments in order to promote the group’s ideology or belief system and group-approved behaviors. In other words, she’s right. She’s always right. Don’t question her. Don’t challenge her. She always comes first. You live to serve.
6. “Put forth a closed system of logic and an authoritarian structure that permits no feedback and refuses to be modified except by leadership approval or executive order. The group has a top-down, pyramid structure. The leader must have verbal ways of never losing“ (1996, p.64-69). Most abusive women are mental and verbal contortionists/escape artists. They can twist the most obvious set of facts into a Gordian knot or find ways to evade the conversation by changing the subject or attacking you on a new front.
Similarities Between Abusive Women’s Courtship Behavior and Cult Recruitment Techniques
Cults and abusers create feelings of guilt, covert and overt fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victims in several ways. Manipulation, deception and “love bombing” are how cult recruiters and emotional predators get their foot in the door. They lure you in by misrepresenting themselves, lying, hiding their abusive nature and drugging you with praise and affection. Once they insinuate themselves into your life, the outright abuse ensues. First, let’s look at their seduction and relationship building tactics.
Manipulation and Deception. Both cult recruiters and emotional predators employ manipulation and deception to ensnare their targets. Initially, they hide their true natures and intentions and wear a carefully crafted, too-good-to-be-true persona. “They identity the specific needs or desires of their targets and play to them. They learn to pick up on a person’s fears and vulnerabilities and portray [themselves] accordingly” (Layton).
Abusive women, particularly histrionics and borderlines, are natural chameleons and shape shifters. They intuitively discern what you want—e.g., sexy, sweet, adventurous, sporty, artsy, etc.—and play it and you to the hilt. As soon as they’re secure in your attachment, the facade drops away and the emotional and/or physical abuse starts. These women insidiously misrepresent themselves to their potential partners. Sometimes they’re impossible to detect until you’re in over your head.
Furthermore, most abusers aren’t abusive all the time. If they were nasty the majority of the time, psychologically healthy people would keep their distance. This kind of woman is like the wicked witch in a fairy tale who transforms herself into the beautiful maiden to attract potential lovestruck suitors. Shortly after you pledge your devotion to her, she exposes her inner ugliness. It’s hard for many men to let go of the initial illusion and so they continue to play right into her hands.
The Love Bomb. Cult recruiters and many emotional predators drug you with love, admiration, validation, affection, adoration, flattery, laser beam attention, responsiveness and sexual and non-sexual touching. They hang on your every word and create a sense of instant rapport, connection and intimacy. Margaret Singer (1996) describes the technique:
“As soon as any interest is shown by the recruits, they may be love bombed by the recruiter or other cult members. This process of feigning friendship and interest in the recruit was . . . part of their program for luring people in. Love bombing is a coordinated effort, usually under the direction of leadership, that involves long-term members’ flooding recruits and newer members with flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate but usually nonsexual touching, and lots of attention to their every remark. Love bombing – or the offer of instant companionship – is a deceptive ploy accounting for many successful recruitment drives.”
Many people are seduced by this kind of behavior. Everyone wants to feel special. Abusers play to your ego needs and then turn the tables on you, which is why it’s so difficult to break away once the abuse begins in earnest. You yearn for her to return to the kind, loving person she was when you first met. You believe that’s the real person and the abusive, hostile, cold, unempathic harpy is the aberration. In reality, the opposite is true.
This is how emotional predators and cults seduce you. They flatter you and make you feel special—at first. Next week, I’ll explore how they break you down and keep you down. Meanwhile, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.
Over the next few weeks, I will publish a series of articles that will explore: a) the shared characteristics of cult victims and abused men; b) the similarities between abusive women’s courtship behaviors and cult recruitment; c) the way cults and emotional predators break you down and control you; and d) different ways to “break the spell” and come come out from under an abusive partner’s control.
Similarities Between Cult Victims and Abuse Victims
Bullies, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and sociopaths like easy targets. They go after people who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, self-reflective, competent, talented or “gifted” and, most importantly, people who have a desire to cooperate or work things out and a non-confrontational personal style (Namie, 2003). Cults like easy prey, too. They typically target individuals who are in a state of heightened stress.
They seek individuals who have recently had a destabilizing experience such as a bad break-up, the death of a loved one, being fired or some other significant life stressor such as a young man who’s left for college and is on his own for the first time. During a period of heightened stress certain people are more susceptible to an individual or group who claims to have all the answers and/or offers instant companionship or instant intimacy. Michael Langone, PhD has compiled a list of cult victim traits that are similar to the traits of abuse victims. The similar traits are:
Dependency. An intense desire for a sense of belonging, approval, acceptance and a fear of being alone.
Unassertiveness. Non-confrontational, people-pleasers who are reluctant to question authority.
Gullibility. A willingness to believe what another person says without critically thinking it through or challenging it.
Naive Idealism. The belief that everyone is good, has some redeeming quality or can change for the better.
Desire for Spiritual Meaning. The belief that life has a “higher purpose” or that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people are just abusive jerks and there’s no deeper meaning attached to it, but good targets keep searching for it despite all evidence to the contrary.
The above personality traits and a state of heightened stress aren’t sufficient to brainwash a potential victim. A conscious knowledge or instinctual knowledge of mind control techniques is also required. Margaret Singer, PhD cites 6 conditions necessary for brainwashing or thought reform. Many cult leaders study these principles and know exactly what they’re doing. Most abusive women have not studied these techniques. They seem to have an instinctual knowledge of them. [Please note: If they are aware of what they're doing it's highly likely that they're full blown sociopaths and you should regard them as dangerous.] Singer’s 6 conditions for thought reform:
1. “Keep the person unaware of what is going on and how he is being changed one step at a time.” Not a problem since most abusive women are only vaguely aware of what they’re doing or completely unaware.
2. “Control the person’s social and/or physical environment; especially control the person’s time.” She doesn’t want you talking to outsiders who might challenge the “reality” she feeds you or her authority.
3. “Systematically create a sense of powerlessness in the person.” She instills a sense of learned helplessness within you by placing you in no-win situations.
4. Manipulate a system of rewards and punishments in order to inhibit the person’s natural personality and behavior. The goal is to break you down and turn you into a handpuppet.
5. Manipulate a system of rewards and punishments in order to promote the group’s ideology or belief system and group-approved behaviors. In other words, she’s right. She’s always right. Don’t question her. Don’t challenge her. She always comes first. You live to serve.
6. “Put forth a closed system of logic and an authoritarian structure that permits no feedback and refuses to be modified except by leadership approval or executive order. The group has a top-down, pyramid structure. The leader must have verbal ways of never losing“ (1996, p.64-69). Most abusive women are mental and verbal contortionists/escape artists. They can twist the most obvious set of facts into a Gordian knot or find ways to evade the conversation by changing the subject or attacking you on a new front.
Similarities Between Abusive Women’s Courtship Behavior and Cult Recruitment Techniques
Cults and abusers create feelings of guilt, covert and overt fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victims in several ways. Manipulation, deception and “love bombing” are how cult recruiters and emotional predators get their foot in the door. They lure you in by misrepresenting themselves, lying, hiding their abusive nature and drugging you with praise and affection. Once they insinuate themselves into your life, the outright abuse ensues. First, let’s look at their seduction and relationship building tactics.
Manipulation and Deception. Both cult recruiters and emotional predators employ manipulation and deception to ensnare their targets. Initially, they hide their true natures and intentions and wear a carefully crafted, too-good-to-be-true persona. “They identity the specific needs or desires of their targets and play to them. They learn to pick up on a person’s fears and vulnerabilities and portray [themselves] accordingly” (Layton).
Abusive women, particularly histrionics and borderlines, are natural chameleons and shape shifters. They intuitively discern what you want—e.g., sexy, sweet, adventurous, sporty, artsy, etc.—and play it and you to the hilt. As soon as they’re secure in your attachment, the facade drops away and the emotional and/or physical abuse starts. These women insidiously misrepresent themselves to their potential partners. Sometimes they’re impossible to detect until you’re in over your head.
Furthermore, most abusers aren’t abusive all the time. If they were nasty the majority of the time, psychologically healthy people would keep their distance. This kind of woman is like the wicked witch in a fairy tale who transforms herself into the beautiful maiden to attract potential lovestruck suitors. Shortly after you pledge your devotion to her, she exposes her inner ugliness. It’s hard for many men to let go of the initial illusion and so they continue to play right into her hands.
The Love Bomb. Cult recruiters and many emotional predators drug you with love, admiration, validation, affection, adoration, flattery, laser beam attention, responsiveness and sexual and non-sexual touching. They hang on your every word and create a sense of instant rapport, connection and intimacy. Margaret Singer (1996) describes the technique:
“As soon as any interest is shown by the recruits, they may be love bombed by the recruiter or other cult members. This process of feigning friendship and interest in the recruit was . . . part of their program for luring people in. Love bombing is a coordinated effort, usually under the direction of leadership, that involves long-term members’ flooding recruits and newer members with flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate but usually nonsexual touching, and lots of attention to their every remark. Love bombing – or the offer of instant companionship – is a deceptive ploy accounting for many successful recruitment drives.”
Many people are seduced by this kind of behavior. Everyone wants to feel special. Abusers play to your ego needs and then turn the tables on you, which is why it’s so difficult to break away once the abuse begins in earnest. You yearn for her to return to the kind, loving person she was when you first met. You believe that’s the real person and the abusive, hostile, cold, unempathic harpy is the aberration. In reality, the opposite is true.
This is how emotional predators and cults seduce you. They flatter you and make you feel special—at first. Next week, I’ll explore how they break you down and keep you down. Meanwhile, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.
How Abusive Women Brainwash You
How do so many smart men fall for toxic, abusive women? Why do they remain in painfully self-destructive relationships when their higher intelligence knows better? Many men frequently cite, “but I love her.” Do they love these women or have they been brainwashed by abusive personalities? Are they confusing love with dependence on their partner/torturer—a kind of Stockholm Syndrome?
Emotional and physical abuse wears you down over time. It erodes your confidence, independence, sense of efficacy and good judgment. Successful abusers use brainwashing tactics to disassemble your personality and extinguish your natural responses to abuse. In other words, you become numb and submissive instead of fleeing or fighting back in the face of her abuse.
Abusive women establish control over their targets by using “brainwashing tactics similar to those used on prisoners of war, hostages, or members of a cult” (Mega, Mega, Mega & Harris, 2000). Most abusers instinctively know these behaviors. Their behavior is mostly unconscious; they’re natural predators. However, some abusive women know exactly what they’re doing. In such cases, I’d argue that they’re sociopaths and not the garden variety narcissist, borderline and/or histrionic.
Brainwashing Techniques
In the 1950s, psychologist Robert Jay Lifton studied POW’s from the Korean War and Chinese prison camps. He concluded that these soldiers “underwent a multi-step process that began with attacks on the prisoner’s sense of self and ended with what appeared to be a change in beliefs” (Layton). Lifton defined 10 brainwashing steps that occur in 3 stages.
Stage I: Breaking Down the Self
1. Assault on Identity. “You are not who you think you are.” This step is comprised of an unrelenting attack on your identity or ego. For example, You’re a jerk. You’re a loser. You’re selfish. You don’t deserve me. You don’t have any friends. Your family doesn’t care about you. You don’t make enough money. These kinds of attacks have a destabilizing effect that breaks your stride and keeps you off kilter. The assault continues until you become “exhausted, confused and disoriented,” which causes your sense of self, beliefs and values to weaken.
2. Guilt. “You are bad.” Once your identity crisis sets in, you’re then criticized for offenses great, small and imaginary. You snore. You chew your food to loudly. You’re not sensitive enough. You’re too sensitive. You breath wrong. You blink too much. You don’t fold the towels correctly. You never do this. You always do that. Why can’t you be more like so and so? The constant arguments and criticisms that cast you as the bad guy make you believe you deserve to be punished and treated badly. You feel a general sense of shame, that you’re wrong and that everything you do, don’t do, say or don’t say is wrong.
Humiliation and shaming tactics destroy your confidence and make you feel bad about yourself, which puts you in a malleable and submissive state. Shame is a form of paralysis. Inducing a sense of shame doesn’t just make you feel bad; it make you believe that you are bad.
3. Self-Betrayal. “Agree with me that you are bad.” Because you’re now disoriented and feeling a pervasive sense of guilt and shame, she can manipulate you into going against your own best interests. You forsake your own needs and make choices that are detrimental to your well-being. This is the time when an abusive spouse or girlfriend will begin to isolate you and/or get you to turn against your friends and family. The betrayal of yourself, your beliefs and the people you once felt loyal to increases your feelings of shame, guilt and loss and also makes you easier to control.
4. Breaking Point. “Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?” You no longer know who you are. You’re confused and disoriented from gaslighting and constantly being fed a distorted version of yourself and reality. You may feel like you’re having a nervous breakdown or feel depressed, anxious, traumatized and a host of other negative emotional and physical symptoms like insomnia, paranoia and digestive problems.
You question your judgment, perceptions and sense of reality. She tells you she loves you yet continues to treat you horribly. You believe she loves you and that you must be a colossal jerk for her to always be so upset. If she’s successfully isolated you or gotten you to isolate yourself, you can’t reality test her version of events or receive outside support. By this time, she’s made you totally dependent upon her and solely focused upon pleasing her, gaining her approval and avoiding her wrath or disapproval. You probably feel completely alone. Alternatively, if you’re still in contact with friends and family, you fear that if you tell them what’s going on that they wouldn’t believe you or wouldn’t understand.
Stage II: The Possibility of Salvation
5. Leniency. “I can help you.” This is what I like to call the tyranny of small mercies. Periodically, this kind of woman will offer you some small kindness or you’ll have a “fun” afternoon together in which she appears normal. Because your perception has been so warped, the tiniest act of kindness or absence of overt hostility and/or icy withdrawal fosters gratitude, relief and a sense of adoration within you. In reality, she’s not kind and she’s not normal.
The disparity between her bad behavior and good/neutral behavior is so great that the simple act of heating up a can of soup for you makes her seem like Lady Benevolence. Her minuscule and infrequent acts of normalcy cause you to romanticize her. “This is why I love her. She can be so sweet.” It also causes you to experience a destructive sense of false hope. “If only she could be this way all the time. Maybe she will if I just try harder to please her.” The only way you can please this kind of woman is by continuing to allow her to harm you.
6. Compulsion to Confess. “You can help yourself.” You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses she bestows in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with her criticisms and devaluations. For example, you agree that your friends are bad for you and that your family is controlling and dysfunctional (um, hello, pot meet kettle). You promise to be more attentive and sensitive to her needs and see your needs as evidence of your selfishness.
Alternatively, you agree with her just to make the rages, derision and accusations stop. By the way, this is why torture techniques don’t work for intelligence purposes. People will say anything to make the torture stop. By this time, your personality has changed. You’re hypervigilant to her moods, ego gratification demands and wishes.
You’re overwhelmed and confused by her accusations and criticisms. Subsequently, you feel a pervasive sense of shame. However, you’re so disoriented that you don’t know what you’re guilty of anymore. You just feel wrong.
The Goal: Pointless Control with No End to the Abuse
Individuals or groups who use brainwashing techniques are deliberately trying to convert followers, change political allegiance or get people to buy their brand of soda. The ultimate goal is to breakdown your identity and replace your belief system with their doctrines in order to make you an obedient follower. Once they achieve their aims, the psychological torture stops because you’ve become a faithful acolyte.
Unlike professional terrorists, cult leaders and prison camp commandants, abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic wives and girlfriends don’t have an end goal for their brainwashing techniques. They don’t know what they want. They just know that they want to control you in order to feel in control of themselves. This is why they don’t progress past the sixth brainwashing step and complete the process through the third stage,
Rebuilding the Self.
By keeping you stuck in the Possibility of Salvation stage, you become locked into perpetual hoop jumping mode. She says if you do x, y and z she’ll finally be happy. You do x, y and z and then she either has a new set of expectations, demands and requirements or tells you that you didn’t do x, y and z to her satisfaction or that you only did it to make her happy not because you wanted to do it. You’re caught in a maddening cycle of trying to please her and not being able to please her with no relief or “salvation” in sight.
Abusive borderline, narcissistic and histrionic women’s moods, beliefs and realities change from day to day and, in extreme cases, minute to minute. They want whatever their current mood or insecurity dictates and change their beliefs, demands and perceptions accordingly. The only doctrine they offer is, “You’re wrong and bad” and “It’s all about me, my needs and my feelings” and “you need to fight for me” or “you need to fight for this relationship” (never mind that she is the one who is destroying it). This keeps you destabilized and in a perpetual state of guilt, shame, hypervigilance and confusion.
She puts you into no win situations, double binds and keeps raising the bar of her expectations for as long as you let her. You never get to reach the third stage of a new identity that brings some relief. She keeps you stuck in the cycle of abuse where she will psychologically torture you until there’s nothing left of you.
Next week, I will discuss other aspects and techniques of brainwashing and how you can deprogram yourself.
Emotional and physical abuse wears you down over time. It erodes your confidence, independence, sense of efficacy and good judgment. Successful abusers use brainwashing tactics to disassemble your personality and extinguish your natural responses to abuse. In other words, you become numb and submissive instead of fleeing or fighting back in the face of her abuse.
Abusive women establish control over their targets by using “brainwashing tactics similar to those used on prisoners of war, hostages, or members of a cult” (Mega, Mega, Mega & Harris, 2000). Most abusers instinctively know these behaviors. Their behavior is mostly unconscious; they’re natural predators. However, some abusive women know exactly what they’re doing. In such cases, I’d argue that they’re sociopaths and not the garden variety narcissist, borderline and/or histrionic.
Brainwashing Techniques
In the 1950s, psychologist Robert Jay Lifton studied POW’s from the Korean War and Chinese prison camps. He concluded that these soldiers “underwent a multi-step process that began with attacks on the prisoner’s sense of self and ended with what appeared to be a change in beliefs” (Layton). Lifton defined 10 brainwashing steps that occur in 3 stages.
Stage I: Breaking Down the Self
1. Assault on Identity. “You are not who you think you are.” This step is comprised of an unrelenting attack on your identity or ego. For example, You’re a jerk. You’re a loser. You’re selfish. You don’t deserve me. You don’t have any friends. Your family doesn’t care about you. You don’t make enough money. These kinds of attacks have a destabilizing effect that breaks your stride and keeps you off kilter. The assault continues until you become “exhausted, confused and disoriented,” which causes your sense of self, beliefs and values to weaken.
2. Guilt. “You are bad.” Once your identity crisis sets in, you’re then criticized for offenses great, small and imaginary. You snore. You chew your food to loudly. You’re not sensitive enough. You’re too sensitive. You breath wrong. You blink too much. You don’t fold the towels correctly. You never do this. You always do that. Why can’t you be more like so and so? The constant arguments and criticisms that cast you as the bad guy make you believe you deserve to be punished and treated badly. You feel a general sense of shame, that you’re wrong and that everything you do, don’t do, say or don’t say is wrong.
Humiliation and shaming tactics destroy your confidence and make you feel bad about yourself, which puts you in a malleable and submissive state. Shame is a form of paralysis. Inducing a sense of shame doesn’t just make you feel bad; it make you believe that you are bad.
3. Self-Betrayal. “Agree with me that you are bad.” Because you’re now disoriented and feeling a pervasive sense of guilt and shame, she can manipulate you into going against your own best interests. You forsake your own needs and make choices that are detrimental to your well-being. This is the time when an abusive spouse or girlfriend will begin to isolate you and/or get you to turn against your friends and family. The betrayal of yourself, your beliefs and the people you once felt loyal to increases your feelings of shame, guilt and loss and also makes you easier to control.
4. Breaking Point. “Who am I, where am I and what am I supposed to do?” You no longer know who you are. You’re confused and disoriented from gaslighting and constantly being fed a distorted version of yourself and reality. You may feel like you’re having a nervous breakdown or feel depressed, anxious, traumatized and a host of other negative emotional and physical symptoms like insomnia, paranoia and digestive problems.
You question your judgment, perceptions and sense of reality. She tells you she loves you yet continues to treat you horribly. You believe she loves you and that you must be a colossal jerk for her to always be so upset. If she’s successfully isolated you or gotten you to isolate yourself, you can’t reality test her version of events or receive outside support. By this time, she’s made you totally dependent upon her and solely focused upon pleasing her, gaining her approval and avoiding her wrath or disapproval. You probably feel completely alone. Alternatively, if you’re still in contact with friends and family, you fear that if you tell them what’s going on that they wouldn’t believe you or wouldn’t understand.
Stage II: The Possibility of Salvation
5. Leniency. “I can help you.” This is what I like to call the tyranny of small mercies. Periodically, this kind of woman will offer you some small kindness or you’ll have a “fun” afternoon together in which she appears normal. Because your perception has been so warped, the tiniest act of kindness or absence of overt hostility and/or icy withdrawal fosters gratitude, relief and a sense of adoration within you. In reality, she’s not kind and she’s not normal.
The disparity between her bad behavior and good/neutral behavior is so great that the simple act of heating up a can of soup for you makes her seem like Lady Benevolence. Her minuscule and infrequent acts of normalcy cause you to romanticize her. “This is why I love her. She can be so sweet.” It also causes you to experience a destructive sense of false hope. “If only she could be this way all the time. Maybe she will if I just try harder to please her.” The only way you can please this kind of woman is by continuing to allow her to harm you.
6. Compulsion to Confess. “You can help yourself.” You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses she bestows in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with her criticisms and devaluations. For example, you agree that your friends are bad for you and that your family is controlling and dysfunctional (um, hello, pot meet kettle). You promise to be more attentive and sensitive to her needs and see your needs as evidence of your selfishness.
Alternatively, you agree with her just to make the rages, derision and accusations stop. By the way, this is why torture techniques don’t work for intelligence purposes. People will say anything to make the torture stop. By this time, your personality has changed. You’re hypervigilant to her moods, ego gratification demands and wishes.
You’re overwhelmed and confused by her accusations and criticisms. Subsequently, you feel a pervasive sense of shame. However, you’re so disoriented that you don’t know what you’re guilty of anymore. You just feel wrong.
The Goal: Pointless Control with No End to the Abuse
Individuals or groups who use brainwashing techniques are deliberately trying to convert followers, change political allegiance or get people to buy their brand of soda. The ultimate goal is to breakdown your identity and replace your belief system with their doctrines in order to make you an obedient follower. Once they achieve their aims, the psychological torture stops because you’ve become a faithful acolyte.
Unlike professional terrorists, cult leaders and prison camp commandants, abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic wives and girlfriends don’t have an end goal for their brainwashing techniques. They don’t know what they want. They just know that they want to control you in order to feel in control of themselves. This is why they don’t progress past the sixth brainwashing step and complete the process through the third stage,
Rebuilding the Self.
By keeping you stuck in the Possibility of Salvation stage, you become locked into perpetual hoop jumping mode. She says if you do x, y and z she’ll finally be happy. You do x, y and z and then she either has a new set of expectations, demands and requirements or tells you that you didn’t do x, y and z to her satisfaction or that you only did it to make her happy not because you wanted to do it. You’re caught in a maddening cycle of trying to please her and not being able to please her with no relief or “salvation” in sight.
Abusive borderline, narcissistic and histrionic women’s moods, beliefs and realities change from day to day and, in extreme cases, minute to minute. They want whatever their current mood or insecurity dictates and change their beliefs, demands and perceptions accordingly. The only doctrine they offer is, “You’re wrong and bad” and “It’s all about me, my needs and my feelings” and “you need to fight for me” or “you need to fight for this relationship” (never mind that she is the one who is destroying it). This keeps you destabilized and in a perpetual state of guilt, shame, hypervigilance and confusion.
She puts you into no win situations, double binds and keeps raising the bar of her expectations for as long as you let her. You never get to reach the third stage of a new identity that brings some relief. She keeps you stuck in the cycle of abuse where she will psychologically torture you until there’s nothing left of you.
Next week, I will discuss other aspects and techniques of brainwashing and how you can deprogram yourself.
You Are Not a Princess! 25 Points for Women and Men to Consider
I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year now. In that time, I’ve noticed many double standards and gender inequities in relationships that are culturally acceptable. Here are some of my observations for women to consider in terms of their own behavior and for men to consider in terms of their own enlightenment when it comes to women and relationships. The following points don’t apply to all women, however, they apply to enough of them that they’re part of our faulty cultural belief system. Hey ladies (and you know who you are):
1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.
2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.
3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?
4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.
5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all bitches” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable.
6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.
7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”
8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.
9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.
10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.
11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.
12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis.
13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.
14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, his obligations to you should also be finished.
15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.
16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.
17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.
18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.
19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.
20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.
21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.
22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.
23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.
24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.
25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.
All of these observations seem self-evident to me, which leads me to ponder how did we get here?
1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.
2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.
3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?
4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.
5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all bitches” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable.
6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.
7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”
8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.
9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.
10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.
11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.
12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis.
13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.
14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, his obligations to you should also be finished.
15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.
16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.
17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.
18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.
19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.
20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.
21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.
22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.
23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.
24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.
25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.
All of these observations seem self-evident to me, which leads me to ponder how did we get here?
Domestic Violence, Abusive Women (Video's)
Reaction to Women Abusing Men in Public
This is a segment produced from the Media News’ series. Sadly, what is portrayed in the segment below does not surprise me. How do we get society to change their beliefs about abuse being a gender issue? Some of the people’s responses in the post interviews are just astounding in their ignorance, bias and sexism. “He probably deserved it.” Just imagine saying that to a female abuse victim.
Dont laugh while watching this video, naturally the Feminazi Witches will push this aside and blame the man for this poor womens reaction.
Video 2
Video 3
This is a segment produced from the Media News’ series. Sadly, what is portrayed in the segment below does not surprise me. How do we get society to change their beliefs about abuse being a gender issue? Some of the people’s responses in the post interviews are just astounding in their ignorance, bias and sexism. “He probably deserved it.” Just imagine saying that to a female abuse victim.
Dont laugh while watching this video, naturally the Feminazi Witches will push this aside and blame the man for this poor womens reaction.
Video 2
Video 3
(NCW) National Commission for Women :- The Indian Anti Men Lies Factory
NCW Lies once again, this time on complaints against NRI Husbands
The Anti-Men National Commission for Women(NCW) is back to what it does best. LIE!! . Recently they came up with another statement claimed that the NCW has received 331 complaints against NRI husbands. The NCW Chairperson had made a similar remark on Pravasi Bharatiya Divas 2006 when she said that over 1000 complaints had been recieved from NRI, Non Resident Indian women complaining of harassment and other offences against them. However after multiple (RTI) Right to Information applications were seeking the validity behind these claims were filed(see below) , it was proven beyond resonable doubt that that the not only the NCW but the MOIA and the WCD together combined did not have more than 50 complaints against NRI husbands with most complaints being duplicates that were forwarded between these agencies. This exposes the level of lies and deceit that Indian agencies use to defame husbands and Men in general to create and justify the creation of Anti men laws.
This is not the first time that that the NCW has openly lied .The NCW normally attracts a lot media attention by making nonsensical and wild recommendations with the sole intention of making life miserable for men. Below are some of the recent recommendations of the NCW on other issues and their brief analysis.
1) NCW went ahead and published that in 70 % of cases women are denied maintenance on grounds of adultery. SIFF activists when filed for data to support the claim made by NCW, through an application under Rights to Information Act, 2005, NCW in its reply categorically denied maintaining any such data. It was a white lie published by NCW and a delirious attempt by NCW to fudge statistics and present an otherwise picture to realize vendetta best known to it. Such a body severely lacking integrity and accountability does not deserve such a position.
2) NCW Chairperson claimed in the media that 498A is abused by women due to ignorance.
3) NCW wants the death os any married woman anytime through out her marriage must be treated as a dowry death .This was done with the clear intention to increase the dowry death numbers so that that can be used as a fudged statistic.
4) NCW recommended the removal of adultery by wife as a clause for divorce. In India women as it is cannot be convicted for adultery. According to NCW recommendations men must not be able to get a divorce even if their wives leave them and maintain sexual relations with other men.
5) NCW recommended that giving Dowry must not be considered as a crime .Taking Dowry taking will remain a crime for men however, giving dowry will not be considered a crime for women and their families.
On the NRI complaints issue here are the shocking lies and details of actual complaints these organisations have over the years and the link to the RTI to see their replies for yourself.
RTI exposes the lies that is churned out by the Anti Men Lies factories
Hand in Glove Indian Ministries creates a web of deceit and lies against NRI husbands exposed here with RTI.
Ministry or Overseas Indian Affairs ( MOIA ) response
MOIA RTI and Reply Link
Question:-Please list the total number of complaints received by the MOIA about harassment and crimes against NRI women since January 1st 2005.
1) The Ministry has received about 10 complaints from both the NRI husband/ Indian Husbands against their wives living aboard residing in India.
( The ministry claims that it has complaints from husbands against wives and not the other way round ! What action if any has been taken against wives ? NONE , since women cannot commit a crime in India )
2) Minister Valayar Ravi then goes on to clarify that his statement that 20,000 cases are pending against NRI husbands is a lie and he has been misquoted.
Women and Child Development Ministry response
WCD RTI and Reply Link
The WCD Ministry in its RTI reply states the below statistics for the number of complaints they have received year wise against NRI Husbands.
2005 - 1 Complaint
2006 - 1 Complaint
2007 - 14 Complaints
The reply also states that all complaints have been forwarded to the NCW for action .
National Commission for Women response
NCW RTI and Reply Link - 1
NCW RTI and Reply Link - 2
The NCW states the below statistics for the number of complaints they have received year wise against NRI Husbands.
2006 – 23 Complaints ( NCW chairperson openly lied stating they have 1000+ complaints )
2007 – 20 Complaints
2008 – 42 Complaints
Note that these also included complaints forwarded from WCD and MOIA so many of these complaints are duplicates . Also , these are just complaints many of which may turn out to be false during trial and going by the truthfulness in Dowry and Domestic voilence cases there is a very high probability that these complaints may have been filed by estranged wives seeking vengeance on their husbands and looking to extort money. Just like 98% of dowry cases are false(according to government statistics), it is anybody’s guess how many of these complaints against NRI Husbands are really true.
Shutter NCW Immediately
The National Commission for Women which had transformed into National Commission for Wives has today transformed itself into the National Commission against Men in the background. NCW, originally designed to be an astute body working for the genuine causes of women has today miserably failed in its duties to protect the rights of women and safeguard the same as the arrest data published by the National Crime Records Bureau shows that more than 1, 23,000 women have been arrested in the last four years for complaints under Section 498A of the Indian Penal Code.The organization has completely lost credibility in all aspects and today relies on fudged numbers to promote its cause of family destruction. The organization has today been reduced to just a haven for radical feminists who propose virtually anything that will lead to further destruction of the Indian family system. The organization has totally lost direction and purpose and has become burden on the tax payers of the country, 82% of who are men. Most of the organization recommendations are outrageous and totally unfair to men in general. The organization never speaks about misuse of the law by women and never recommends ways to arrest misuse and has today become an engine to draft more biased anti men laws. The organization needs to be shuttered at the earliest.
The Anti-Men National Commission for Women(NCW) is back to what it does best. LIE!! . Recently they came up with another statement claimed that the NCW has received 331 complaints against NRI husbands. The NCW Chairperson had made a similar remark on Pravasi Bharatiya Divas 2006 when she said that over 1000 complaints had been recieved from NRI, Non Resident Indian women complaining of harassment and other offences against them. However after multiple (RTI) Right to Information applications were seeking the validity behind these claims were filed(see below) , it was proven beyond resonable doubt that that the not only the NCW but the MOIA and the WCD together combined did not have more than 50 complaints against NRI husbands with most complaints being duplicates that were forwarded between these agencies. This exposes the level of lies and deceit that Indian agencies use to defame husbands and Men in general to create and justify the creation of Anti men laws.
This is not the first time that that the NCW has openly lied .The NCW normally attracts a lot media attention by making nonsensical and wild recommendations with the sole intention of making life miserable for men. Below are some of the recent recommendations of the NCW on other issues and their brief analysis.
1) NCW went ahead and published that in 70 % of cases women are denied maintenance on grounds of adultery. SIFF activists when filed for data to support the claim made by NCW, through an application under Rights to Information Act, 2005, NCW in its reply categorically denied maintaining any such data. It was a white lie published by NCW and a delirious attempt by NCW to fudge statistics and present an otherwise picture to realize vendetta best known to it. Such a body severely lacking integrity and accountability does not deserve such a position.
2) NCW Chairperson claimed in the media that 498A is abused by women due to ignorance.
3) NCW wants the death os any married woman anytime through out her marriage must be treated as a dowry death .This was done with the clear intention to increase the dowry death numbers so that that can be used as a fudged statistic.
4) NCW recommended the removal of adultery by wife as a clause for divorce. In India women as it is cannot be convicted for adultery. According to NCW recommendations men must not be able to get a divorce even if their wives leave them and maintain sexual relations with other men.
5) NCW recommended that giving Dowry must not be considered as a crime .Taking Dowry taking will remain a crime for men however, giving dowry will not be considered a crime for women and their families.
On the NRI complaints issue here are the shocking lies and details of actual complaints these organisations have over the years and the link to the RTI to see their replies for yourself.
RTI exposes the lies that is churned out by the Anti Men Lies factories
Hand in Glove Indian Ministries creates a web of deceit and lies against NRI husbands exposed here with RTI.
Ministry or Overseas Indian Affairs ( MOIA ) response
MOIA RTI and Reply Link
Question:-Please list the total number of complaints received by the MOIA about harassment and crimes against NRI women since January 1st 2005.
1) The Ministry has received about 10 complaints from both the NRI husband/ Indian Husbands against their wives living aboard residing in India.
( The ministry claims that it has complaints from husbands against wives and not the other way round ! What action if any has been taken against wives ? NONE , since women cannot commit a crime in India )
2) Minister Valayar Ravi then goes on to clarify that his statement that 20,000 cases are pending against NRI husbands is a lie and he has been misquoted.
Women and Child Development Ministry response
WCD RTI and Reply Link
The WCD Ministry in its RTI reply states the below statistics for the number of complaints they have received year wise against NRI Husbands.
2005 - 1 Complaint
2006 - 1 Complaint
2007 - 14 Complaints
The reply also states that all complaints have been forwarded to the NCW for action .
National Commission for Women response
NCW RTI and Reply Link - 1
NCW RTI and Reply Link - 2
The NCW states the below statistics for the number of complaints they have received year wise against NRI Husbands.
2006 – 23 Complaints ( NCW chairperson openly lied stating they have 1000+ complaints )
2007 – 20 Complaints
2008 – 42 Complaints
Note that these also included complaints forwarded from WCD and MOIA so many of these complaints are duplicates . Also , these are just complaints many of which may turn out to be false during trial and going by the truthfulness in Dowry and Domestic voilence cases there is a very high probability that these complaints may have been filed by estranged wives seeking vengeance on their husbands and looking to extort money. Just like 98% of dowry cases are false(according to government statistics), it is anybody’s guess how many of these complaints against NRI Husbands are really true.
Shutter NCW Immediately
The National Commission for Women which had transformed into National Commission for Wives has today transformed itself into the National Commission against Men in the background. NCW, originally designed to be an astute body working for the genuine causes of women has today miserably failed in its duties to protect the rights of women and safeguard the same as the arrest data published by the National Crime Records Bureau shows that more than 1, 23,000 women have been arrested in the last four years for complaints under Section 498A of the Indian Penal Code.The organization has completely lost credibility in all aspects and today relies on fudged numbers to promote its cause of family destruction. The organization has today been reduced to just a haven for radical feminists who propose virtually anything that will lead to further destruction of the Indian family system. The organization has totally lost direction and purpose and has become burden on the tax payers of the country, 82% of who are men. Most of the organization recommendations are outrageous and totally unfair to men in general. The organization never speaks about misuse of the law by women and never recommends ways to arrest misuse and has today become an engine to draft more biased anti men laws. The organization needs to be shuttered at the earliest.
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