May 10. 2010
Domestic violence is a crime and it can turn deadly, if it is allowed to continue.
According to the Women’s Resource Center (WRC) of Northern Michigan, women in abusive relationships look to themselves as the source for change of their partner’s behavior. Women, however, in abusive relationships do everything possible to please their partners and adjust to the ever-changing demands.
The experts at WRC say that these women may very well have dinner on time, keep up the house, hold down a job, wear their clothes and their hair the way their partner likes, and have little contact with family and friends. Then with his next whim, typically accompanied by abuse such as name-calling, throwing things, threats or physical violence, she is expected to change again or face the consequences.
Domestic abuse is not about arguments, late dinners, too many bills, anger, or losing control — it is about a batterer’s desire to keep control and power. Any other explanation is an excuse, according to WRC.
Renee Shelman, a legal advocate at the YWCA of Greater Flint for the past seven years, said they refer to domestic violence victims, as “survivors” and the majority of the survivors she works with are women. The YWCA does work with some male survivors, but it is much more prevalent for the male to be the batterer.
Through optional counseling, Shelman and her colleagues focus on empowering these women. “They do have the ability to make great choices. They chose to stay safe and do what’s necessary to survive,” she said.
An important aspect of their treatment is to make the survivors understand that there is nothing wrong with them. “They don’t have to be fixed. Domestic violence is not their fault,” Shelman said.
Shelman said there is a difference between domestic violence and anger management. With anger management, the individual would focus their anger on anyone, such as through road rage or bar fights.
With domestic violence, it is a power and control issue. “They do it because they can and to get what they want,” she said. Lack of confidence and low self-esteem are common character traits and these individuals use intimidation to get the survivor to comply with their demands.
To help understand the difference, Shelman gives an example about a couple attending a party. The woman chats casually with another man while her partner says nothing, even though he has become quite jealous. He holds his anger until they arrive home.
Although alcohol and drugs can escalate a domestic violence situation, they are not the underlying cause, said Shelman. She said the alcohol oftentimes acts as “liquid encouragement.”
Not all children growing up in an abusive environment turn out to be abusive. Shelman said children are resilient. While some boys, who have witnessed their father abuse their mother, turn out to be just like their father, some vow later in life to never behave in that way. It’s very important to have a supportive environment and a positive role model for these children to express their thoughts to, such as a teacher, pastor, or neighbor.
One important message Shelman has learned through the YWCA’s Domestic Violence Intervention Program is that there really is no good reason why someone hits or abuses another. “They do give reasons, but there’s no good reason.
“They do it because they can, to get their way and to get what they want.” She said these individuals could be described as spoiled brats.
Typically, survivors are on the receiving end of domestic violence six to eight times before they leave for good.
A misconception of domestic violence is that it is more prevalent with low-income or uneducated people. “Domestic violence crosses all lines. It’s prevalent in all ethnicities, religions, race, economic status. We’ve seen it all. We have survivors who are college educated with careers here.”
If anyone recognizes him or herself as the abuser, there is help. Shelman urges anyone who may be prone to committing domestic violence, to seek help with a therapist. “Call the hotline to the Domestic Violence Intervention Program. Definitely seek help.
“There’s no good ending to domestic violence. You’ll either end up in jail or hurting her very badly.”
Domestic violence statistics
• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
• Women make up 85 percent of domestic violence victims.
• Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
• Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
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