Conflict resolution practices are a necessary part of negotiating through custody issues in a divorce proceeding. Identifying which methods best suite the parties involved, to reduce
Divorce and custody issues are prevalent in America; with the rising statistics of the divorce rate, it is becoming increasingly necessary to take steps to protect the children caught in the middle of feuding spouses. Conflict resolution can be used to properly identify and diffuse disagreements that surface in the wake of a difficult divorce. When the practices of proper conflict resolution management are followed, the parties involved, especially the minors, will benefit from a well executed plan from well prepared mediators.
According to the United States Census Bureau, only 63% of American children are raised in a home with both biological parents, this figure is the lowest in the western world (Divorce Magazine, 2009). This statistic proves that our society needs to focus on implementing better ways to prevent divorcing parents from using the minors involved as weapons against each other. When feuding spouses are hell-bent on hurting each other, they do not realize the impact they are having on their own children. Often times, one spouse harbors resentment and chooses to take it out on the other spouse; holding the children as ransom against him or her, the bitter spouse has temporary control of the feud. Resentment and bitterness can manifest itself against the children as well, and the unreasonable spouse may not even realize the harm he or she is causing the children.
Self esteem in the children is adversely affected when they are caught in the middle of a custody battle. There are plenty of school guidance counselors who can attest to this statement. Children are well aware of the
schemes and attempts made by their parents to make the other parent's life miserable. Even the youngest children are aware of problems and inconsistencies in parental behavior. These antics only serve to inflict more pain and suffering on the children and rarely lead to any positive outcomes for the benefit of the feuding parents.
A child's self esteem is the single most important aspect of his psyche that must be protected by his parents. Feuding spouses will crush their child's spirit by their constant bickering. Studies have shown that a child's self esteem is reduced by several factors; an unstable home life and low perceptions of self will often provoke anxiety in the child (Rosenberg, 1989). Protecting the self esteem in a child should be the parents' number one priority. Feuding spouses who insist on using the children as weapons against each other are obviously not focused on the best interests of the children.
When low self esteem leads to anxiety, a whole new set of problems can arise for the child as he matures. Anxiety is a problem facing many adults today, and parents who hold bitterness and resentment against a spouse by allowing the children to be used as weapons are leaving their children susceptible to this growing epidemic. When anxiety takes hold at a young age, it can lead to lifetime of emotional issues the maturing child will have to face.
Anxiety is a distressing and debilitating disorder. It can lead one to feel dread and hopeless. Anxious thoughts usually over take the mind and cause the person to focus on events that may or may not happen, fear the worst in a situation, and create a deep fear of failure. Anxiety will lead "to a pattern of self doubt, inadequacy, and self defeat" (Myklebust, 1994).
Proper channels for conflict resolution need to be employed so that children are not harmed during the difficult season of divorce. Both spouses need to focus on the issue between them and remove the children from the equation. Attention should be given to the best interest of the children, but they should not be considered as pawns in a game of chess. Effective ways to express anger and emotions should be learned and implemented to prevent undue harm to the already vulnerability of the children. Identifying and avoiding the hot buttons for each spouse will also reduce the amount of stress and need for either spouse to feel compelled to act in a vengeful manner.
These steps can be taken through an organized and meaningful path provided by careful use of proper conflict resolution channels. Learning the steps of proper mediation will assist the feuding spouses in reaching a
reasonable agreement concerning issues related to the children. Mediation is typically moderated by a neutral third party and the steps include an initial introduction of the conflict; the next stage will determine the issue at hand and allow each party to make a statement; the problems are then identified and the brainstorming and alternative solutions are introduced and negotiated; options are evaluated and then selected; finally, an agreement is made (Kestner & Ray, 2002).
This process is simple to follow but requires both parties to have realistic expectations and be willing to work together towards a solution. The mediator can do very little to bring the parties together if the parties hold grudges, insist on resorting to childish antics, or refuse to listen to reason. Each spouse has a responsibility to the children to do his or her best to focus on the issues between them and take the necessary steps to avoid further damage to the relationships between the children and each parent.
Allowing anger to fuel his actions, the bitter spouse will be ineffective at best in his attempts to negotiate with the other spouse or relate to his children. Self control over anger is the first step in maintaining a positive outlook and preventing the children from being used as pawns in a disagreement. The Bible provides plenty of examples of how and why being slow to anger is both necessary and expected. James tells us that one should be slow to anger, slow to speak, but quick to listen (Jas. 1:19-20, NIV). Anger will not allow for reason to be heard.
Angry parents usually cause more damage to their children without even realizing the harm they are causing simply because through their anger, they are blind to the hurt. It seems to be true when people act through their anger; they rarely accomplish their goals and may end up hurting themselves in the process. Even righteous anger needs to be controlled so that one does not allow pride to emerge.
Identifying the hot buttons of his spouse, the reasonable party can diffuse potential emotional outbursts or possible disagreements. When a spouse recognizes key words or actions that set off the bitter spouse, he can carefully choose his words so as to avoid the emotional response that typically generates a negative reaction. Refusing to act in an emotionally charged manner when a trigger word is used against him, the reasonable spouse can quickly eradicate an attempt to engage in warfare by the bitter spouse.
Often it is difficult to maintain a constant even pressured attitude when dealing with an unreasonable spouse, but it is the responsibility of the reasonable spouse to be aware of the triggers that typically set off a chain
reaction of events by the bitter spouse. If the reasonable spouse can learn to avoid reacting in a way that engages the angry spouse, he will create for himself and his children an example of a healthy relationship. The bitter spouse will eventually learn to relate in a manner that is considered acceptable once he sees that his antics are no longer generating the response he desired. When he sees he is no longer effective with his temper tantrums or childish threats, the bitter spouse will come to reason.
The steps involved in a typical conflict resolution model provide a practical and simple road map for dealing with feuding spouses. The theory of conflict resolution is most effective when practiced in a meaningful way intended to come to an agreement. When children are left out of the equation and the focus is given to the issues at hand, the parties can work together to come to a reasonable solution for their disagreement. The skills necessary for reaching an amicable agreement include avoiding the use of trigger words and learning self control over anger and the attitudes that ignite an angry response. Children are not weapons. Pawns belong on a chess board, and feuding spouses need to maintain self control and employ a neutral third party when they are unable to come to an agreement regarding the best interest of their children.
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