Society Created Domestic Violence Problems, and Victims Pay the Price
IntroductionIn society, violence is exploding. It is everywhere and no where is the explosion of violence more vivid then right behind the doors of our homes. Behind closed doors of homes all across this country, people are being
from one generation to another.
The term used to describe this exploding problem of violence within our homes is Domestic Violence. Violence towards some one who we are in a relationship with or who we have chosen to be our life mate. This is a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other. This is a person we chose to be with out of love, commitment, and companionship.
In the 20 years this writer has worked with victims of Family Violence, Domestic Violence leads the way in the numbers of victims who have contacted me. The only other issue which comes even close is Child Abuse. The Emails and other communications from victims or survivors of abuse comes mostly from those who have dealt with or still deal with Domestic Violence. Literally hundreds of Emails have made their way to my Email accounts from victims of Domestic Violence.
There were many ways this writer had planned to handle this topic. After careful consideration, research, and soul searching, it became clear that I would handle the topic from a bit different approach from those I was finding on the web. It became clear to me that the problems in dealing with this issue and finding solutions to the problem rested solely with society itself.
Society Created Domestic Violence Problems, and Victims Pay the Price
This is not a completely new approach. If you have ever taken a Sociology course in college, you have heard these ideas before and may have even heard them included in some of the publicity on Domestic Violence. Ifyou have heard them, they usually don't get the focus of other ideas pertaining to Domestic Violence. Society never likes to look at itself as being the cause of a problem. It is better placed in the hands of individuals within the society. What we fail to realize is that these individuals are a part of the society. Since, they are in vast numbers, they are a majority segment of society.
I do not wish to give a sociology lesson through this article, but the reader should have no problem making the connection. The article will address and remind readers of certain sociological ideas, but will not dwell on them. I will give facts about what is happening in the area of Domestic Violence, and who is speaking out about it. I will look at the gender issues, but only to show the misconceptions which take away from the truth of Domestic Violence.
Basically, I will add a little common sense to the issue of Domestic Violence. I will offer my own opinions based on what I have experienced, learned, heard, observed, and read while helping victims of Domestic Violence. The ideas of this article are placed here in my own words and no information on Domestic Violence was read while this article was being written. There are no web site links within this article. The resources are those which will give the reader more information should they wish to obtain it. They were acquired after the article was completed. They will support many of the ideas of this article, but no one resource will support all ideas contained here. All of them together they will form a support of these ideas. They will also give victims, who may read this article, some sources of help should they need it or seek it. I am not an expert in this area, but my years of working with victims certainly should lend credibility to the article.
My own experience with Domestic Violence may slip into the information from time to time, but only for emphasis of a certain point or to give an example to show the reality of Domestic Violence. Other real examples will also be used, but only as examples which emphasize certain points within a particular section. These come from actual victims I have talked to but will give no personal information in the interest of protecting the privacy and safety of victims. My vows of confidentiality govern the secrecy of the personal information of these victims. To disclose the information could place the victims in dangerous situations. They are only used to bring the reality of an issue into the minds of the reader.
I do urge the reader to read the entire article before forming an opinion about whether you agree or disagree with it. This is not because I believe all readers will agree once they do read it all. This is not possible. I know many may, in fact, disagree with it, and that is fine. I just want the reader to keep an open mind and read all the information before forming an opinion. This will allow the reader a clearer understanding of the points addressed in this article.
The main purpose of this article is let people know the real story about the problem of Domestic Violence within our society. It is to get people thinking and to educate them on the role we all play in finding solutions. We start to find solutions when we can understand the scope of the problem. We all bear this burden as part of this society.
The Gender Battle of Domestic Violence
I thought it necessary to deal with this first because of the title of this article. I knew it would get people stirred up right away. "How can she say 'Domestic Violence is more a Society Issue then a Gender Issue,' when the very act pits one gender against another.
It is pretty clear that not all relationships are cross genders. This could be one reason for why I chose to title this article the way I did. To be honest, it is more then just this one simple fact which lead me to the title I chose for it. Hopefully, by the time you finish this section you will understand it. If you don't, maybe the rest of the article will bring you into a clearer understanding.
The gender roles were created by our society and these very roles is what caused the problems between the genders in the first place. Men were suppose to be strong while women were suppose to be weak and submissive. Those who deviated from these roles were ostracized.
Then, the battles of the sexes continued and things began to change. Roles were reversing as equality was fought for by women. These continued to cause stresses and conflicts between the genders which are still happening today.
Because many of these gender ideas are founded in the way we are raised, these ideas provide the basis of how we handle our relationships with the opposite gender. Growing up in the 60's and 70's and being raised by a woman who was raised in the 30's and 40's; I grew up believing that you stayed with your husband no matter what. This laid the foundation which made me stay in an abusive relationship for 18 years.. I am not alone. Many victims will tell similar details of their backgrounds when telling their stories.
Society itself created the problem of Domestic Violence not gender by itself. Society laid the framework to allow women to be beaten by their husbands. For many years, it was an acceptable practice.
As women began to demand equality and roles changed, so did the faces of the victims of Domestic Violence. Now more and more men are becoming victims of Domestic Violence.
"Oh no! She actually said it." Yes and I will say it again, men are victims of Domestic Violence, as well as, women. This will crush many people's ideas of Domestic Violence as will many of the points made in this article.
Well, I am not going to take sides in the gender debate over who is more often a victim of Domestic Violence. We will never know the truth about that because statistics are biased.
"Oh no!" I know, I just crushed the basis for much of the research in Domestic Violence. Well, take a statistics class in college and learn how these statistics are constructed and you will know the truth. Don't take my word for it. Statistics can be manipulated to reach any conclusion you want them to if you know how to do it.
Even if you assume no bias in the formulating of these statistics, in any area of Family Violence, you can't reach factual statistics. The statistics only express those cases reported. There are too many cases of abuse within families which are never reported for these statistics to be accurate. Even today, there are many who do not report the abuse they have received.
So, whether women are abused more then men, or men are abused more then women. Who knows? I sure don't. What I do know is that men will report less than a women because of the stigma involved. They do not want to deal with how they will be perceived in society.
Society again makes it more a gender issue then it has to be. Society says a man who allows his wife to beat him is weak and wimpy. Yet, at the same time they are told they are not allowed to hit them back. Women who are victims are told to fight back if they can. Yet, a man will certainly be the one arrested if he hit's a woman back after an attack. It don't matter if she beat him worse or not. One bruise on her will cause him to go to jail. Who cares if he got the worst end of the deal and ends up with broken bones? She has a bruise on her arm. Off to jail he goes.
Society created the problem and keeps it going by not realizing it has set the very double standards which keeps it growing. Until, society realizes it's role; changes how it handles the problem of Domestic Violence; and takes all aspects and victims of Domestic Violence seriously, the problem will never be solved.
Domestic Violence has nothing to do with gender these days. It has to do the roles of those within the relationship: who is stronger or weaker; who is dominate and submissive; who is aggressive or passive; who is insecure and secure; and who is the one controlling the other one. Violence and abuse of any kind is all about control. Those who feel the most out of control need to gain control by controlling their mate or life partner. Either gender can fall into any of these roles within a relationship.
It has nothing to do with gender. If the man is the stronger one, he is more likely to be the abuser. If the woman is the stronger one, she is more likely to be the abuser. It is not even a matter of physical strength. Weapons are a great source of power no matter how big the person is and who happens to be holding them. If someone smaller then you is holding a gun on you, their size really doesn't matter. The main issue is that in a spit second, it can all be over. Knives, baseball bats, or anything in the hands of someone who is in a rage can be a deadly weapon.
(The two actual cases below will explain the points in this section of the article better then I can. These were Emailed to me by the victims. Names and locations are not used to protect the victims. I will tell you that both of the following victims live in the same town.)
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"My husband is a very violent person. I have known this for a very long time. For five years he beat me regularly. I never knew what would actually set him off. He would get mad about anything. Not cleaning right, the food wasn't right, I looked at him wrong, I didn't say something right, or just about anything could make him fly into a rage. At one time I would try to make him happy. I would almost make myself crazy trying to find what would keep him from beating me. One day, I guess, I just realized that there wasn't anything I could do to avoid the beatings. They were inevitable because I existed.
One night he came home and found a shoe in the wrong place. He began cursing and putting me down calling me dumb and stupid. It only took a few minutes until he was beating on me yet again. I ran to the kitchen and
grabbed a knife. He charged at me, and I cut him. I had enough and wasn't going to take it any more. This time I would fight back and protect myself.
"I got scared and ran from the house. I ran to the neighbor's house and called 911. The ambulance and the police got to my house at the same time as my husband was stumbling through our front door. He was bleeding terribly. I had cut him in the left side of his stomach.
"To make a long story short. He was arrested because I had a black eye. The cop never charged me with anything. He told my husband, the prosecutor, and the judge that I was clearly defending myself. They all knew my husband had a history of violence. My husband was charged with a felony and was sent to jail."
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"My wife came home from work last night. I could tell right away that she was not in a good mood. When she isn't in a good mood, no one else is allowed to be either. She will make sure of it.
"I had only been home myself a couple of minutes. I had came home from work about 5 minutes before she did. That did not matter, I was suppose to have had dinner started, the laundry folded, and living room straightened within that 5 minutes. You see she only works outside the home. She does none of the housework. I do it all when I come home from work. If I didn't do it, this house would not be livable. When I have ever put her in check verbally about helping around the house, it always ends in a knock down, drag out fight. I just find it easier to do it myself.
"She was really completely our of her mind. She reaches for something in her purse. Oh my! She was holding a gun, and it was pointed at my head. She shoots the ceiling to show me it was loaded. I obediently set about doing the chores she had complained were not done.
"Thank God! That was the last time she fired it, but she had certainly made her point, but that wasn't the end of her rage. Instead of shooting it, this time, she came at me and hit me in the side of the head with it. I was dizzy for a minute. When I composed myself, she began to come at me yet again. I grabbed her arm to hold her back. She lost her grip on the gun, and it fell to the floor. Luckily it didn't go off.
This time she grabbed a meat cleaver from a drawer and began coming at me again. This time she connected. I was too scared to even realize it at first. I just wanted to slow her down. I grabbed her arm and was holding it when the door bust open and two cops came through the door. They grabbed the cleaver from her hand and called an ambulance once they realized I was cut. At about this time I realized how bad it was and soon I passed out.
"When I woke up in the ER, the cops had already questioned her and sent her home. They came in and read me my rights. They told me that a neighbor had called them after hearing the gun shot. They said that I was going to jail and I did.
"She had a slight bruise on her wrist. I had 16 stitches in my shoulder and was not to go to work until they could do more surgery to repair the muscle. They couldn't do it now because they needed the cut to heal some to avoid further infection.
"Yes, I held on to her to keep myself from getting hurt any worse, but what else was I suppose to do. I have never hit her. I could never hit a woman. I guess I should have just let her kill me. I did bail out today and went to stay with my brother. I am facing jail time for this, and I was the one who was almost killed.
"I found out today that she has been convicted of assault on two of her siblings in the past. This was my first time ever being arrested. This is why I never reported any other assaults or attacks from her and there were many over the past two years. They believe her not me. This is the reason I have never reported the other instances of abuse. This is it for me. I am done with her."
(In the second instance, the police report even contained the information that the meat cleaver was taken from the woman's hand. Only her fingerprints were found on the gun. Yet, no charges were ever filed against her, and the guy was told not to pursue charges against her because he would look like a fool. The officers on the scene believed she was defending herself.)
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The reader can clearly see that in these cases it is the bias of the officers which decides how these cases were handled. Society has laid the framework. Society has provided the means to keep Domestic Violence a problem. Until society itself, changes it's views on gender roles, there can be no long term solution to the problem of Domestic Violence.
These ideas are what helped me to determine the title of this article, and they are what provides the foundation of this article. Domestic Violence is more a society issue then it is a gender issue. The gender issues which are present in the Domestic Violence Issue are there because of society. Society has caused it and keeps it fueled.
Each gender group will plead their case about Domestic Violence. To me it doesn't matter which gender is being abused. It just needs to stop. Both men and women deserve to live without fear, and their children deserve to live in a home without violence.
Gender may be a part of many cases of Domestic Violence because many relationships are cross gender relationships, but that is where it ends. It is more about who is obsessed with controlling the other person. It happens more because one person wishes to possess the other person.
Domestic Violence is not about love. It is about obsession. It is about control. Love should not strip a person of the very essence of who they are and make them feel like a prisoner in their own home.
Both males and female victims of Domestic Violence express the same concerns, fears, and pain. The only difference is in their gender and how society views them. Both male and female abusers show the same insecurities which fuel their rage. Either one has the same ability to either become a victim or an abuser. Especially, if either gender grew up in a violent home.
Domestic Violence is a people issue not a gender issue.
The Main Question People Ask Victims of Domestic Violence
We are bombarded with information about Domestic Violence. T.V. news shows and talk shows; movies, documentaries, books, articles, web sites, and every media source one can think of has covered the topic of Domestic Violence in one way or another. There remains a common question asked in them all and today most people still don't understand the answer. If they did, they would stop asking the question.
The question is, "Why do they stay with their abuser?" This question is asked and answered every time the topic comes up in one form or another, but still people don't get it. I don't know how other people feel about it, but I am getting tired of answering the question. Because I am writing about Domestic Violence and most certainly at least one person will be asking themselves this question as they read this article, I will try yet again to tackle this question.
I am going to try another approach. I am going to give the reader a few scenarios in which you may be able to relate. I realize that unless the reader has dealt with Domestic Violence themselves, they probably still won't get it, but I am going to give it a shot anyway.
Scenario #1....You are walking down the street and a man pulls a gun on you. He wants all your money. You give him what he wants, but he still beats the crap out of you. Then he tells you not to report it or he will kill you. You go home and tell the story that you just lost your wallet and you never report it.
Why did you give him what he wanted? Why didn't you just run away? Why didn't you report the crime?
The answer is clear. You were afraid.
Scenario #2....Every day your neighbor comes over to your house and beats the crap out of you. After this happens for a while, you comply with all his wishes without any question or argument. You don't move out of the house you own, you just keep taking what he dishes out. You don't report it or ask for help.
Why? The answer again is fear.
Ok, now lets put you in the shoes of a victim Domestic Violence.
Scenario #3....Your wife or husband is beating you regularly and putting you down. Day after day, month after month, year after year, you keep getting beaten down mentally, emotionally, and physically. You are told if you ever leave you will be killed. You are told that if you report the abuse, you will be killed. What are you going to do? Are you going to leave? Of course, some of the readers will say, "Yes."
If victims of Domestic Violence leave their abuser, they are in even more danger of being killed. The abuser has lost control of the victim. This feeling of loosing the control over the victim will add more fuel to their rage.
Let's not forget that these abusers are master manipulators. They can be really sweet when they are tying to lure the victim back into the house. They know exactly what buttons to push to get the desired response. They are desperate and desperate people are the most dangerous.
Scenario #4....You hear a woman screaming in the house next door. These screams jar you from your sleep. You look out the window to see the shadows of people which appear to be fighting, but you do nothing. After all, it is none of your business. It may not be as bad as it sounds. It is better to let people live their own lives and not interfere. Besides, who knows what could happen to you if you did call the police. The sound of the slamming car door tells you that someone has left the house.
Finally, the screams cease. You go back to bed and quickly you fall into a deep sleep. You are soon awakened by sirens. You get up, go to the window, and look out to find a bunch of police cars and an ambulance.
You put on some clothes and go out to find out what is going on. On the side walk, many neighbors are gathered to watch the real life drama. One of them gives you the information. The woman in the house next door was murdered by her husband. The 5 year old boy called 911 after he heard his father leave the house.
A police officer comes over to the group and asks who lives in the house next door to the murdered woman. You say that you do, but that you didn't hear anything. After several minutes of the police grilling you, you maintain that you saw nothing.
Why didn't you give the information which you had heard earlier to the police? The answer of course you will say is fear that he may come after you next.
Oh, you can certainly understand your own fear for not wanting to help the person, but you will say to the neighbor, "Why didn't she just leave him?"
The same fear that kept you from calling the police or giving them the information they asked for kept her in the house. After all, she is the one who died. It seems she paid the ultimate price. You will sleep like a baby tonight while the 5 year old boy who called 911 will deal with the nightmares of the night's events.
The reality is that this last scenario happens in too many neighborhoods in this country. It is sad that you can understand the fear you feel when you fail to help a victim, but you can't understand the fear the victim feels which makes them stay in a dangerous situation.
If you did understand it, you would never have to ask, "Why they stay with their abusers?" The answer should be clear, but people will continue to ask it.
As stated earlier, the danger intensifies when the victims tries to leave or once they have left. As long as the abusers are not in jail, the threat of death to victims is real and death is often the outcome.
The scenario above could include a man as a victim. I would be willing to bet that if someone does call to report what they heard, it would more likely happen if the woman is the victim. Hearing a man scream must mean they are angry or are the ones doing the attacking. If the call was made, the man would be reported as the attacker.
Misconceptions and the Stupidity that Fuels Them
Wow!!!! This writer is getting a bit blunt. Well, I think it is time for everyone who cares about the issue of Domestic Violence to start getting blunt. The sugar coated methods have not done a whole lot to change things.
Oh, on the surface it looks like we have made great strides in the area of Domestic Violence. If that is the case, why are so many victims living in isolation, shelters, and are in hiding to save themselves from their abusers? I will admit that we are better in this area then we use to be. Laws have gotten a bit tougher, more abusers are going to jail, and more services have popped up to help victims. There certainly is no shortage of out spoken media sources willing to handle the problem. You can find tons of web sites on the issue of Domestic Violence.
There are still too many misconceptions still being voiced by the stupid minority who believe in their rosy colored world of reality. These are the people who still view victims as somehow being at fault for the pain and suffering they must endure. There are still people asking the ignorant questions that keeps us having to constantly explain these issues.
Because society is responsible, people need to listen and pay attention to what is being said and written on the subject of Domestic Violence. Many people still don't get it. They do not see the seriousness and the danger which lurks in the shadows for the victims who are trying to survive and remain free of violence. They are fighting for their lives
I refuse to give any credence to these idiotic statements or view points by addressing them specifically. If the reader wishes to visit the links contained in the resources of this article, I am sure you will find out what they are specifically. This article should dispel many of them in and of itself by the information presented here.
No one in this day and age can really avoid Domestic Violence. Most people know someone who has been a victim of Domestic Violence even if they haven't been one themselves. It touches everyone sooner or later in one form or another. The few it may not reach are those which keep the misconceptions flowing and keep us answering the same questions over and over again.
The lack of empathy within many communities and the minds of ignorant people who may live there, continues to make the fight against Domestic Violence a struggle. I still hear victims crying out for help from family members and so-called friends who give them little help but fuel the very insecurity which the abusers have already implanted within these victims. Many victims have no choice but to remain with their abusers because even those close to them say they should stay and deal with it.
"I tried to leave many times, but my family said I should stay and deal with it. I made my bed and now I had to lie in it. His family was no help either. They never believed he was that way. I can't tell you the number of times that I went crying to my mother's house all beaten up. The first thing she would ask is what I had done to make him so mad. She kept telling me that I had to go back and make it right. So I did. I am not sure what I will do. I do have one friend I confide in, but she is disabled. She has offered her home to me many times, but I just can't burden this wonderful person. She has enough problems of her own."
(I received an Email a while back from this friend who she did confide in once in a while and who knew I had been communicating with her when she could find access to a computer. This friend and I had, also, communicated a few times. She would try to let me know what was happening when the victim couldn't. She told me the woman had been murdered by her husband. No charges have been filed. They know he did it, but he cleaned it all up very well. There is just not enough evidence yet to charge and convict him.)
It is hard enough for victims of Domestic Violence to deal with the abusers and the lives they are now living. When victims get no support from their families, it makes things even harder. There is no justification for the failure to help victims of any type of violence. If we are ever to end violence within our communities, we must start with our homes and the homes of others within our communities.
Misconceptions, ignorance, and a lack of empathy continue to hinder the fight against Domestic Violence and all other forms of Family Violence. Society has the tools to end this and to help to end the suffering, but it would take changes within the hearts and minds of all the people within it. This is not likely to happen. There will always be people who lack the ability to show empathy for anything they themselves have not dealt with. Until the problem hits them personally, they will never understand it or even try to help the victims who do suffer from it.
Conclusion
I hope this article has helped the reader to understand the real problem of Domestic Violence. I have tried to add some common sense to a problem which causes the senseless loss of lives and is a problem which is passed from one generation to another.
Many different professionals are trying to find answers by looking at biology and neurology to explain the differences in genders. I am not even going to react to that because these areas are not my specialty. Maybe one day they will find the answers in their scientific studies. These ideas are far to complex for most of us to understand. Our society at times gets far too analytical. Many times the simple answers are overlooked.
People still say men are more violent then women. I must have grown up differently then most people, because I know as many aggressive and violent women as I do men. Granted most may not go to jail as much as men. Women can usually get by with these things better then men can because men are expected to aggressive and women are not.
The very biases which keeps Domestic Violence thriving as a major problem within our society were formed by our society. Society will have to change before a real solution will create any major decreases in this form of violence.
I hope this article has opened peoples minds to the real issues of Domestic Violence. I hope people will begin to take a stand against this problem so all victims regardless of their gender can feel safe within their own homes. We need to stop looking at finding fault with the victims and start putting all the criminals behind bars where they belong.
Why must victims have to go through the added of pain which society inflicts because they do not fit the mold of what society says a victim should be? Although, there are many similarities in all cases of Domestic Violence, each should be handled individually.
We must not get so caught up in labels, norms, and preconceived notions that we miss what is right in front of our faces. Each case has it's own set of circumstances and issues. Why decide who is telling the truth just because of the gender they happen to be a part of?
Whether the victim is male or female should not matter. What should matter is the facts. Helping the victim to get help and become safe should be the goal.
If we all learn empathy and compassion for all members of our society, we can begin to solve the problem of violence and other issues threatening the lives of people within our society. These provide us with the tools we need to fight against the violence and the ability to help the victims who need our help.
Society bares the burden for Domestic Violence because of the ideas it has created. Only society can solve the problem. We all need to work together to end violence within our homes and communities. It is the responsibility of us all.
Published by Becky K
I am a disabled mother of two grown children and a new grandmother. I write novels, stories, and articles which offer hope to those who suffer. I am also a novelist who writes fiction novels/ View profile
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