Addressing Relational Aggression Between Girls
Jan 17, 2010
An estimated 15% of school aged children are subject to chronic bullying in school, and percentages of relational bullying among girls are even higher.
Bullying occurs in four main ways: physical, verbal, relational and cyber. A simple definition of bullying is behavior that is:
Five common ways girls show relational aggression are:
Furthermore, unlike other forms of bullying where the weak or less powerful are often preyed upon, relational aggression has less to do with targeting an external characteristic, such as being unpopular, overweight or differently-abled. Female bullying more frequently is caused by conflict that has not been able to be addressed directly and openly.
Girls are often afraid to talk to anyone about the bullying for fear it will make matters worse or they will be seen as a snitch. The difference between snitching and talking to a trusted adult is that the former is intended to get someone in trouble whereas the latter is an attempt to get help.
Ignoring the problem rarely works, and sometimes gives permission for the mistreatment to continue. Besides, when being bullied, it is all a girl can think about even if she isn't talking about it. Rachel Simmons, who wrote Odd Girl Out (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2003), interviewed hundreds of girls, asking them what they wished their parent would have done to help. Overwhelmingly, girls said they wished their parents had not trivialized their pain, said it was a phase and would pass, or told them to lighten up. They wanted parents to listen, take it seriously and acknowledge how devastated they felt.
Approaching teachers is no easy task either. It is important for a parent to be calm and factual in her approach in order to avoid getting pegged as the "overprotective” or “hysterical” parent who is overreacting to her child's social misfortune.
Unfortunately once that happens, many teachers just turn off. Sometimes switching classes can help eliminate the problem altogether since a great deal of social chemistry forms along classroom lines. Note that switching desks is often futile since girls can send mean looks anywhere and the teacher often misses what is happening.
The other is to make sure it’s addressed on a school level. Harassment and anti-bullying policies should include relational aggression (i.e. ganging up, sustained negative body language, rumor spreading, etc.) Most schools only deal with physical aggression, missing the forms of mistreatment done by girls that can effect and haunt a victim for life.
Bullying in schools among girls continues to be a pervasive problem. Staying silent about mistreatment only gives permission for it to continue. It is essential that girls speak up and schools address female forms of bullying – it can protect a girl's well-being and possibly even save a life.
- intended to do harm or disturb the victim,
- occurs repeatedly over time, and
- involves an imbalance in power
How Girls Bully Each Other
Boys tend to be more physical, while girls bully each other more indirectly, using relationships and social media. Boys tend to act out or get into fights whereas girls don't have the cultural consent to express anger this way, so they often show it in more covert but equally damaging ways.- gossiping, spreading rumors, exposing confidential information
- teasing or hurtful comments about physical appearances
- attacks on sexuality
- claiming disloyalty or untrustworthiness
- making threats to physically harm the other or other's possessions
Targets of Female Bullying
There seems to be no specific target for girls' aggressive behavior. It could be directed towards an unpopular, new or even very popular girl. The simplest comment, whether malicious, thoughtless, or even innocent, can provoke a well-strategized and sometimes “global” attack where one girl turns the whole group against another.Furthermore, unlike other forms of bullying where the weak or less powerful are often preyed upon, relational aggression has less to do with targeting an external characteristic, such as being unpopular, overweight or differently-abled. Female bullying more frequently is caused by conflict that has not been able to be addressed directly and openly.
Silence of Victimhood
One of the greatest fears of girls is being ostracized, so even though they may be upset, they will not express it. As a result, much of girls’ aggressive behavior goes underground and causes them to use relationships as weapons against each other.Ignoring the problem rarely works, and sometimes gives permission for the mistreatment to continue. Besides, when being bullied, it is all a girl can think about even if she isn't talking about it. Rachel Simmons, who wrote Odd Girl Out (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2003), interviewed hundreds of girls, asking them what they wished their parent would have done to help. Overwhelmingly, girls said they wished their parents had not trivialized their pain, said it was a phase and would pass, or told them to lighten up. They wanted parents to listen, take it seriously and acknowledge how devastated they felt.
Approaching teachers is no easy task either. It is important for a parent to be calm and factual in her approach in order to avoid getting pegged as the "overprotective” or “hysterical” parent who is overreacting to her child's social misfortune.
Unfortunately once that happens, many teachers just turn off. Sometimes switching classes can help eliminate the problem altogether since a great deal of social chemistry forms along classroom lines. Note that switching desks is often futile since girls can send mean looks anywhere and the teacher often misses what is happening.
Life Long Scars
Many adult women who were bullied as children report that they still carry strong memories of victimization. They recall the incidents with unusual clarity, remembering the exact words spoken to them, clothes they were wearing, and even food they were eating. They reported a life filled with troubled relationships with other women and trusting other females afterward was most difficult.Strategies to Protect Against Bullying
The best defense against bullying is two fold. One, the victim should talk to a trusted, proactive adult who can help her come up with a plan with multiple ways of addressing the mistreatment.The other is to make sure it’s addressed on a school level. Harassment and anti-bullying policies should include relational aggression (i.e. ganging up, sustained negative body language, rumor spreading, etc.) Most schools only deal with physical aggression, missing the forms of mistreatment done by girls that can effect and haunt a victim for life.
Bullying in schools among girls continues to be a pervasive problem. Staying silent about mistreatment only gives permission for it to continue. It is essential that girls speak up and schools address female forms of bullying – it can protect a girl's well-being and possibly even save a life.
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