Destructive "Scripts" in a Marriage

The children had left the dinner table and Joanne asked Mark if they were going to have some time to talk later about the plans to visit her family this weekend. Mark responded with irritation, complaining that he had a lot of work to get ready for a presentation tomorrow. Besides, "You know how we always get into a fight when we start talking about your family".
Joanne quickly retorted, "That's because you think your family's so perfect. The truth is your parents never faced any issues in their lives, still don't, and everybody just made believe everything was fine. That's why you always take off when we have a problem to face."
"You're at it again.", replied Mark. "Always complaining. Whatever I do, it isn't the right thing to make you happy. You have your mother's same negative attitude. Why does everything have to be a problem? We'll go to your family's home and you'll be upset all weekend because your mother criticizes everything you do. According to her, our kids will never turn out right. Then you take out your frustration on me all the way home. I'm really sick of it. Why don't you just take the kids there by yourself and save me a lot of aggravation? Besides, then I would have the time I need to finish the project that's due next week."
"See what I mean - you're just looking for any excuse to avoid a problem. I need your support and you can only think about how it burdens you. I do get tense when I visit my family. That's why I need you to be there for me. But you never are. Now you'll just go downstairs and work and I'll be left with cleaning up and getting the kids ready for bed. It's as if I don't have my own work responsibilities. You'll prance in, kiss the kids goodnight, and act like you're actually a father. Sometimes I think it would be easier to do it by myself. Then I wouldn't have to waste all this time fighting with you."
"Good. You want out, I'll give you out. I'm going for a ride before I really lose my temper."
Mark starts to leave and Joanne follows after him. Her remarks become more hurtful as do Mark's. He wants space. She wants confrontation. They lack any strategies for preventing the spiraling anger and it will end up as one more notch on the belt representing the emotional scars they keep inflicting on each other. The marriage is no longer a safe place for their feelings. Distrust has replaced acceptance.

What's wrong with this picture? Review the dialogue and pick out the statements which keep undermining their ability to communicate successfully. Using words like "always" and "never" should set off loud buzzers that say "STOP!". Those words are distortions and almost demand defensive reactions. Here, Joanne and Mark were immediately talking "at" each other, not "to" each other. Neither was listening because they've been through this script so many times that it's become a ritual and the outcome is predictable. Neither wants to hurt each other, yet they can't seem to stop doing it. In fact, the other key words here are the ones that are character assignations, identifying the problems as being the result of defects in the spouse's character. Then they join in another bad practice - bringing in issues that aren't part of the original topic. Finally, they throw in very hurtful statements about the marriage and then start the all too typical pattern of the man trying to walk away from the increasing tension and the woman pursuing. It's a situation with potential for even more serious consequences.
Marriages are destroyed by these kinds of repetitive fights in which feelings are deeply hurt. The couple needs to recognize how trapped they are and find some creative ways to change the script. When those buzzwords show up, someone has to yell out an agreed upon cue word that requires the other spouse to restate the issue in a less inflammatory way. Or do something that breaks the tension. As soon as a fight appears to be starting, someone raises a hand and they each take two steps back to help reduce the intensity. Or, if one spouse feels under attack, crawl under a table or go behind a chair to make the non-verbal statement. The key is to have a way of quickly identifying that they are getting into their "hurtful fighting script" and have a strategy to stop it. Then they need to try a different script - the key is an agreement to not say anything hurtful to the other person but instead to keep seeking ways to help the other person, to make the marriage a safe place, not a dangerous place.

"I know these trips to your parents' make you tense. How can I help?"
"Thanks. Just letting me know you understand really helps. I need you to take care of a couple of errands Saturday morning while I get the kids ready."
"I'll do that but I also have that project to finish, so I 'd like to come back a little earlier than usual. "
"Okay."

Now isn't that a much more pleasant script. You can do it. It just requires a few practical strategies to break rituals, a strong commitment by both spouses to stop using hurtful words, and a willingness to show that you care.