In a successful marriage the playing field is level. There is mutual respect, a true friendship, and sufficient passion to create a strong bond. It is a challenge in a society that still has deeply imbedded gender role expectations for wives and husbands to be accepted for who they are as opposed to whom they are supposed to be. Typically, this produces marriages where one spouse is identified as being weak, a failure, and/or having a character defect. This judgement tends to rigidify over time and becomes a seemingly fixed reality, which leaves both partners feeling hopeless about the potential for change.
Jennifer comes from a family with a history of alcoholism. It has left various emotional scars. She needed a husband who was stable and non-threatening. When she met Alan, she found him to be a compassionate listener and a safe partner. But as the marriage progressed, with all the stresses that come from having children and financial pressures and juggling many responsibilities, Alan increasingly perceived Jennifer’s need for emotional support as an emotional weakness. He became impatient, critical, and was no longer the safe, supportive partner that Jennifer had chosen. His even, more laid-back temperament now became a problem in that he wanted Jennifer to be more like him. He became critical of her parenting and her money management. She became critical of his lack of support and caring.
Brian has had two episodes of manic-depression (bipolar disorder), one of which resulted in his being hospitalized. His wife has become highly sensitized to his moods, in part because she fears another episode. But on a deeper level, she has come to view him as a flawed person who cannot be relied upon. As a result she has pulled away, which has contributed to loss of intimacy and leaves her husband more vulnerable to being moody and unhappy.
Philip is a driven, high achiever, who constantly undervalues Julie’s contribution to their marriage and family. Although he frequently says she is a good mother, he doesn’t sufficiently support her when one of the children is being oppositional. Philip’s view of his wife as the weaker partner is subtler, generally denied by him, but constantly evident in his frequent unilateral decisions and his limited investment in making time for their relationship.
These are a few examples of relationships where one partner sees the other as weaker in some significant way and acts accordingly. Those actions, being critical, unsupportive, distant, end up exacerbating negative behavior on the part of the "weaker partner", who often responds with complaints, nagging, or acting out underlying depression in the form of overeating, overspending, or being enraged. In the eyes of the "strong partner", these behaviors serve to validate the perception of being married to someone with problems. It becomes a repetitive cycle, a proverbial "Catch 22."
The challenge in these situations is to get the negative assumptions articulated and examined. The supposed weaknesses are often traits that are strengths as well, e.g., being sensitive, empathetic, caring. The undesirable behaviors are often masks to cover up fears about failing. Most people who are harsh critics of others are foremost harsh critics of themselves. They live in constant fear that they will never measure up to their own expectations and that their success is just luck or illusionary. The couple needs help to re-create a relationship where it is safe to share the underlying fears, where each partner is seen as having strengths and weaknesses, like everyone else, and to be able to accept each other in a realistic manner. When couples fall in love, typically it is with an idealized partner. One of the major challenges in marriage is learning to love the real person, warts and all.
Alan came to see that Jennifer’s needs were not unreasonable once he was able to show more caring and support. In fact, her sensitivity to people was often helpful in discussing personal and work issues. At the same time, Jennifer needed to accept that part of what she loved about Alan was also part of what frustrated her, namely that he didn’t always recognize the importance of an issue. She learned to communicate more clearly what was really important and when she really needed his support. Both came to see that the other was capable of changing.
Liz, Brian’s wife, needed to learn more about manic-depressive disorder and to work through her feelings about being married to a man with a chronic illness. Brian needed to make a stronger commitment to staying on his medication and to accepting his problem so he could also accept Liz’ anxiety about it. Liz worked on giving more weight to Brian’s strengths in their relationship.
Creating change in the relationship between Philip and Julie was more challenging because Philip continued to be unable to recognize his contribution to the problem. In part, he didn’t want to give up his power in the relationship, but he was not ready to see that. It was only when Philip was eventually able to experience, and express, his loneliness in the relationship, and throughout his life, that he became open to the idea that trading power for intimacy was a good deal for him.
It is very common for couples to build walls in their relationship by taking on roles of being the strong and weak partners. Often both contribute to creating and maintaining this barrier to intimacy and an effective marriage. Although it takes hard work, these rigid perceptions and roles can be changed and many an unhappy relationship can be resuscitated.
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